It's thinspo Thursday! I've had a bit of a rough week (what else is new... eh?) but Thursday is all about pushing through! So if you've had a rough week too... put it behind you and start fresh again! And if you're doing good I'm proud of you... keep pushing! Thin is within your reach! ♥

Keep your hair healthy and strong!

It's a common problem... hair loss. A good place to start in repairing your hair, and preventing loss, is watching your vitamin intake! You must always be conscious of your vitamin intake when restricting to avoid serious health problems. Taking vitamin supplements is not always enough since your body is more receptive to vitamins coming from a natural source. If you take vitamin supplements in combination with the right foods you will benefit from the supplement much better than without! Here are some key vitamins for hair health and complimenting low-cal foods!

Vitamin A - Helps produce healthy sebum in the scalp. You can find vitamin A in eggs, spinach, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, apricots and peaches. You should try to get at least 5,000 IU a day... but remember; too much vitamin A can actually cause hair loss! Keep your dose well under 25,000 IU a day.

Vitamin C - Not only good for your hair, but also great for your skin! In my opinion, you can never get enough vitamin C. Remember not to take chewable supplements, because they will erode the enamel on your teeth! You can find vitamin C in plenty of foods, especially broccoli, tomato, papaya, mango, red, green and yellow peppers, and kiwis. Try to get at least 60mg in a day, but many doctors advise as much as 1000mg a day to help support a healthy immune system. Never go over 2000mg, or else you will have some skin discolouration. I did this once and wound up with yellow eyes! Not sexy.

Vitamin E - Enhances scalp circulation and can be found in leafy green vegetables. Eat up your salads! Take up to 400IU a day, and if you have high blood pressure you should research more into your vitamin E intake, and discuss with your doctor, as too much can cause problems.

Biotin and Vitamin B5 (Pantothenic Acid) - Specifically helps reduce and prevent hair loss! Unfortunately these vitamins are usually found in more high-cal foods such as whole grains and meats, but I recommend trying egg yolks. Get 150-300mg biotin and 4-7mg B5 in a day.

Inositol - Helps keep your hair follicles healthy on a cellular level. This can be found in any citrus fruit, like oranges, lemons, grapefruits and tangerines. You can have up to 600mg a day.

Vitamin B6 - Also specifically prevents hair loss and produces melanin to help keep your colour vibrant. It can be found in egg yolk, as well as many fruits and vegetables such as bananas, kiwi, limes, plums, avocado, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, corn, leeks, mushrooms, onions, spinach and zucchini. Get a daily dose of 1.6mg, but watch your intake! Too much vitamin B6 can cause numbness of hands and feet.

Vitamin B12 - Also prevents hair loss! This one is a toughy, but very important for overall health! I struggled with a b12 deficiency for a very long time and it caused me very serious health problems. Take your supplements, and whenever you can bite the bullet and find a natural source of b12. It can only be found in animal based products, or soy products. I recommend chicken or fish, egg yolks, or soy milk. 

I know all this vitamin jargon can be a lot to take in at once, especially if your not well versed in nutrition. So to help make your first steps a little easier, I've included a recipe that meets all your hair-health needs!

Citrus Broccoli Salad!  (120cal)

*Remember, you can change up any of the vegetables in this recipe. I chose broccoli because it covers a lot of your necessary vitamins!

1 egg, boiled and cooled.

1/2 cup of fresh broccoli flourettes

1/2 fresh garlic clove

1 slice of fresh lemon

1 cup mixed greens

pinch of salt and pepper for taste

Place rinsed broccoli in a steam basket and steam in pot with 1 inch of water for three minutes. (Raw or boiled broccoli will do if you do not have a steamer.) Remove from heat immediately to avoid over-cooking, and place in a serving bowl to cool. In a separate bowl mix juice from lemon slice, garlic, salt and pepper, then pour over cooled broccoli. Slice boiled egg in half, and place on mixed greens along with broccoli. Eat and enjoy!

Fashion Thinspo: Eniko Mihalik for Bergdorf Goodman Resort

I have been spending a lot of time looking up work-outs online. I love to mix it up and try new things to keep it interesting for myself. I have discovered the long arm crunch... and fallen in love with it! Same as regular crunches, except you keep your arms straight above your head! Try it out. It's amazing.

I have been working extra hard on my legs lately... and it is paying off. I can see the fat melting off and they are toning up nicely! Every morning I get up and do 100 jumping jacks and then my yoga routine, focusing on my legs legs legs. I hate how fat they are. My upper half is so much smaller than my lower half and I feel like a dwarf. I want to be pretty and thin up and down. So it is nice to see some progress.

I am super poor and so is Dove... so our fridge is next to empty! Yay! The rest of this month it should be pretty easy to starve myself. Dreading December. Dreading Christmas...

I threw out my last pack of cigarettes with three smokes still left in it. Then today I remembered why I smoke and bought another pack while I was starving. Something feels so right about filling my empty stomach with a diet Pepsi, a cigarette, and a piece of gum after it all to rid of the flavours. Yesterday I did good. I was strong and I kept my intake low!

Yesterday's Eats

1 Cup of coffee 50cal
Bowl of Oatmeal with 1tsp Maple Syrup 130cal
2 Granny Smith Apples 160cal
1 Fruit Bar 130cal
1/2 All Bran Cookie with 1tsp Peanut Butter 115cal

Total 585

A little higher than I would like... but considering my bad binging habits lately I'm happy to be under 600.

I don't even want to discuss what happened last night. I drank water and more water until around 7 and then I made myself some chicken soup broth with vegetables (70cal) to help tide me over for the evening. Then I ate a cracker with the soup. Bad idea. Carbs are a major binge inhibitor. I musn't eat carbs. As a result of that one dirty cracker I wound up stuffing my face with a piece of bread and peanut butter at the awful hour of 9:30. I swear I'm never going to loose weight... my moral is far too weak.

I declare Thursday to be Thinspo Thursday! I have been thinking about this for a while too. It all started with America's Next Top Model... which of course is on today. I have always loved that show obsessively. So I think I want to expand on this idea and push it out further than just watching skinny girls on my TV. So for all you who follow me I will make Thursdays on my blog a little more fun than usual! This should help keep me motivated and thinking skinny thoughts as well! Let's start with a recipe

Orange Baked Apple (70cal)

1 small apple, cored
1 tbsp Smucker's Orange Marmalade with Splenda
A pinch of ground cinnamon
A pinch of ground nutmeg

Place apple in a shallow un-greased baking pan; add a small amount of water to pan. Fill center of apple with marmalade; sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg. Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees for 50-60 minutes until apple is tender. Great for a warm breakfast on a cold fall day! Remember to eat your fruit in the morning on an empty stomach! This will help with the detox process and help in weight loss.

Tips to Running the Right Way
 
1. Align your head and neck properly. Focus on the horizon, moving your head back and forth occasionally to keep your neck from getting stiff. Avoid staring at your feet or at the ground.

2. Keep your shoulders relaxed, level and low as you run. If you feel tension in your shoulders, or if you've been raising and tensing them, drop them and shake your arms out to relieve the tension.


3. Move your arms from front to back, not across your chest. Don't clench your hands. Occasionally relax your arms, which should be bent at the elbows.

4. Stand tall as you run, keeping your core engaged and maintaining good posture in your back. Avoid slouching or allowing yourself to weaken in the torso.

5. Strike the pavement between your heel and the middle of your foot first, rather than with your toes or heels. Roll forward onto your toes, and push off with effort. Keep your stride steady. Don't bounce as you run.

Fashion Thinspo: Caroline Trentini for Elle Brazil

If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing.

So the fast went great yesterday... until 6pm when my friend Duckie came over and reminded me that I promised to make her dinner which I totally blanked out on. So I cooked up a shrimp pasta with white sauce... which was unfortunately delicious. I hate that I'm good at cooking. I hate that I love it. After that it went down hill. A ton of friends came over for movie night and Dove baked up her famous cookies and I got stoned and ate way more than I'd like to admit to. So... new rule. NO MORE WEED EVER FOR ME. It is my enemy.

I just finished filling my fridge with bottled water for the day and I just ate a hot dog (265cal) to help down my medicine. No more food for the rest of the day. I should be okay... I will try to get in some exercise in if I'm feeling better in a few hours. I've been off my meds for a couple of days and that means I'm weak and exhausted so my work outs have been falling to the way side.

My friend Puppy is going on an "extreme" weight loss diet and asked me for help to make recipes for her. I'm hoping I will be able to find some inspiration for my own diet. It's good to have someone to talk about dieting with too. I have so many friends that just blow it off with a laugh and state how they eat whatever they like and refuse to feel guilt for it. I remember feeling that way. That's how I ended up with a 40 inch ass. Anyways... I will post up the best recipes I come up with. ♥

My thinspo wall... almost done :)

 

So it occurs to me I haven't reported a loss in a very long time. I am feeling pretty miserable about that.  Time to up my game... stop fucking around making excuses because I am depressed. Today I fast. FAST FAST FAST.

I'm not entirely sure where my head has been these days. I feel like I have been having a mental melt down every day for the last week or so. I can't come back. I can't grab control. Art seems to be the only thing I'm interested in. Art and self-loathing. Oh Van Gogh, how I feel you.

My weight is ok. No loss. No gain. Was eating badly for a while but I made up with it with exercise. Dove was telling me I needed to stop pushing myself so hard. There was one day where I exercised the entire day ... shifting between cardio and yoga. I think I worried her. I have been trying to open up to her a lot more though these days... she thought I was mad at her because of how reclusive I had become. I just hate everything.

This post is very all over the place. My thoughts are too. I can't make any sense of things. Doesn't help that I am not on my medicine these days... but I should be able to get more today and that will help me sleep better. Last night was just one nightmare after another. I had a dream I starved myself to the bone (I wish...) and my veins were blue and huge and everyone was worried about me and telling me that I wasn't pretty and I just looked sick.

One major major problem on my mind lately has been my mother. I always have had a difficult relationship with her. She is not... very mothering. I guess. I love her, I think. But I know I hate her. We never fight. We get along well enough... but I hate her so much. Things she says and does... and all the things in our past that are so ugly and have warped me into the person I am. Specifically... something she told me last night. I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't stop hating her for saying it... for even thinking it. She told me that when I was five years old she had become so depressed with her marriage that she was contemplating murdering me and committing suicide. She apologized after ranting on about it and then I told her it was okay. What is wrong with me? I never yell at her. I never tell her things aren't ok. I want to just tell her how much I hate her and not feel guilty for it. My relationship with her is very complex...

Anyways. Trying to keep my head up. Trying to get down under 130lbs. Doing much better with the eats these last couple of days... I have also stopped smoking weed which has been a huge help. When I'm depressed and smoke weed I don't care if I'm fat. I want to get fat. I hate it. It's disgusting how much I can eat when I'm stoned... especially sugar. I don't even crave sugar sober. Fuck.

I'm out. Good luck all you girlies on your mission to skinny!

Did good. Didn't eat a single thing after the post I made yesterday.

I feel awful. I have all day. It's probably because of my period... and that would probably explain why my weight is up (I hope...)

So I woke up and got right to exercising. I bought these weights that you strap onto your ankles... 10lbs. They are amazing! I was sweating before I was even done my yoga routine! I want to get smaller 5lb ones for my wrists as well... I think it do a lot of good. But despite my attempt to have a good start to my day I still wound up curled up in bed sobbing quietly and pulling apart a disposable razor (brand new and clean of course) with the intention of slashing my ribs. I hate how emo that sounds. I hate how weak I am. My phone started to ring... and it was the most random person in the world who never calls me and certainly not in the middle of the day. I didn't answer.... but I also didn't cut. I took it as a sign I guess.

I talked to Junsei instead and he calmed me down. He is very non-judgmental... it's refreshing. I didn't tell him about the cutting or even the crying. I just said I was feeling stressed. I talk to him almost every day but I haven't seen him in weeks. I like him so much and the more comfortable I get when I talk to him the more afraid I feel. I don't know what he wants... if he wants anything. I just wish I could see him. I can't talk about these things with anyone unless it's face to face. I miss him so much... he just works almost constantly. Which is something I like... but I just hate unanswered questions more I guess.

At some point during my break down I swallowed some whipped cream and chocolate icing. And then I made a bee line for the bathroom and managed to gag up some of it. My throat hurts now... and my eyes are glazed. I hate purging. I hate getting so out of control that I binge like that. I envy people with fast metabolisms.

Ways to boost your metabolism:

• Cardio work-outs
• Don't eat sugar
• Get regular good sleep
• Drink lots of water
• Drink green tea

I am so worn out from crying. I hate getting emotional. It's so exhausting. Going to work tonight. Very nervous.

This is how I feel... but fatter.
Ice-olated.

Just want to say welcome to all my new followers ♥

My dreams were filled with nightmares and stress last night. I hate nights like that but I did at least get a TON of sleep and I am feeling somewhat better today. So far I have skipped breakfast and just ate my apple. Lunch is soon... so I might throw my veg bacon on top of my potato. I was happy to see I am back at 135lbs on the scale and Dove told me she noticed how flat my stomach has been getting. My panties are starting to fit a little bit too loose so I guess it's time to buy new ones in a smaller size! ♥

I know I am having a tough time today because I have barely slept and I have been working nonstop for about 25 hours. I feel like I am loosing my mind though. I have been having panic attacks all day. I almost broke down at work but I swallowed it along with some soup broth. I'm finding spicy vegetable broth a very comforting replacement for other awful foods I tend to reach for when upset. I got home and cried and cried. My heart pounded so hard. I wasn't even sure exactly what I was upset about... I guess I just get very overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes I just get upset by the fact I'm upset to start with. I wanted to cut so bad... I just kept thinking of where I could hide it. I talked myself out of it and turned on some music. I still want to see my blood. It must be time for a new tattoo...

Actually. It's time for sleep. And I will wake up and eat no more than 500 calories. Here's my meal plan for tomorrow... wish me luck:

Breakfast: 1 boiled egg and 2 strips of veggie-bacon (175cal)
Snack: granny smith apple (80cal)
Lunch: plain medium baked potato (160cal)
Snack: VGo (40cal)
Dinner: Spinach and Fruit Salad (70cal)

And every day I allow myself 1 coffee with soy milk as a "freebie".

Now to bed. For real. I really need it.

Toothpick legs! ♥

Woah. Crazy couple of weeks. I got the job and I am getting the money I want! (Though... maybe I should have asked for more! Haha!) I have been doing alright with keeping my calories low but it's mostly sugar so I haven't lost weight. I've been so stressed with everything that is going on it's been hard not to break down. I wanted to today. So I have made the decision to go vegetarian again! I have been slowly sliding back into it. Whenever I'm at the grocery store I just find I get more and more turned off by things like cheese, milk, and meats. I just want broth and vegetables. And fucking sugar.

However on a super bright note I have found two diet items I was going crazy trying to find before! Diet Crush (which has sucralose instead of aspartame) and astpartame-sugar-free-low-cal gum! I almost died. I feel a new sense of motivation. I have gained a bit of weight and I am very ashamed for it... so I sat down and created a strict diet plan that I must stick to! Instead of winging it with the idea of keeping it under 500cal a day and wasting it all on sugary garbage... I have made a very simple list of quick foods to eat that follow a daily cal allowance. I also have it so it varies... with one 600cal day and one 200cal day. I can't do fasts. Unfortunately. They would be so easy. Not eating is so easy until you eat something. Then the taste just sticks in my mouth begging for more. Disgusting. Food shouldn't be allowed to have taste. But I can't fast because of my medicine. If I eat on an empty stomach I feel incredibly nauseous and if I skip them... well. That's just a living Hell.

So. What's so stressful Roana? Other than completely losing control of your weight and letting your ass gain another couple pounds like it needs it... thank-you-very-much. I guess I don't know where to start. A friend of mine, Willow, who also has the same terrible illness I have, has recently become much more ill. Well it's not so recent... she is just getting worse and the doctors still don't know what it is. There was a lot of concern that it was cancer, but they are saying now it's most likely not. Though they are still unsure. I try not to worry so much. I know I don't like people worrying about me. I just want health for her. I know how it feels to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices... having blood taken and tests done every step of the way. X-rays... ultra-sounds... IVPs... prescription after failed prescription... misdiagnosis and no diagnosis. Bad doctors. Rude doctors. Every day can be so exhausting. I wish no one else would have to feel like this... or any worse than this.

Other stress... family. My step-dad made some half-assed attempt as being caring by telling me I needed to stop obsessing over death. Apparently because I read religious books that discuss the after life I have a problem. Yes I obsess over death... but that is just me. I do not envy the dead though. I don't want to die. Sometimes I want to... but I more or less would rather live and just sleep forever. Death has too many questions attached. It is interesting... but it will come for me eventually. But my step-dad would rather I was a perfectly healthy well educated and modestly dressed church going girl like his mother and sister were. This isn't me. I accept them. Why can't they accept me? Thinking about it is exhausting. There is so much more involved than I could possibly type up in a life time...

Also Dove. She quit her job and is at home constantly. I miss my alone time. I have some now. Luckily she is very ambitious and is looking for a job now. But she is super broke and I am going to have to pay her half of the rent. This is okay with me as she has been a major financial (and of course emotional) help in a very very hard point in my life without asking for anything. I want to help her... but it is a bit of a stress on my mind. I am working two jobs currently and I'm a bit worried about running myself into the ground.

So I guess that is my update for now. I have been learning new Yoga poses at home since I haven't had the finances to join a gym and take classes yet. It is nice. Every day I feel a little bit more like my old self. Now if I could just get this damn weight off and stop comforting myself with food.

NON FOOD THINGS TO TAKE COMFORT IN!

• Reading
• Grooming (nails, hair, makeup, facial masks, feet, waxing, baths...)
• Taking photos (I have been taking tons lately! Junsei has inspired me so much...)
• Drawing
• Meditation and Yoga
• Petting kittens!
• Playing piano (or pretending I can!)
• Talk to friends (I should do this more. I don't open up enough I think.)
• Cleaning
• Writing
• Checking out new music
• Going for a walk or jog

Hopefully writing this all out will help motivate me... though I have to say reading all the other blogs that I do helps the most! <3 <3

 

My legs are so fat... they never look this delicate crossed.

No tattoo last night. Dove was in a bad mood and we stayed in and ate pizza. Fucking pizza. I was so starved and I ate two slices. I tried to purge but I honestly spend so much time choking, hacking, coughing and gagging with no avail. Maybe I should look into purging tips... but I don't want to make a habit of it. I would rather not eat. Puking is gross.

I got a call from my step-dad and he wants to see me TODAY. RIGHT NOW. I hate him. I hate his whole family. They don't get me at all. Not in any way. Lion won't be there for support like he usually is either. This sucks. I ate another piece of pizza as soon as I found out and tried without any luck to purge again. GRRR

I am being very weak.

So hungry today. I kept getting tempted to stuff my face. I was out at the mall today and I kept smelling the food court. I almost gorged on Taco Bell and then I did not. Thank God for long line ups helping me make up my mind to not eat garbage. I did get a small fry from McDonalds but I ate far less than half of it and threw the rest out.

I have been very inspired by Junsei. He writes and draws and takes photos... all things I enjoy doing but I have been in such a rut with my creativity since I got sick. Just seeing his work has been such a push for me. I started writing again and it is coming to me so easily.

I have a job interview for another job on Monday. I hope it goes well and I'm really looking forward to getting off of overnights. It's really killing me. But I won't leave unless they will pay me more. No point otherwise.

I might be getting a new tattoo tonight. We will see how things go.

I am the way into the doleful city,
I am the way into eternal grief,
I am the way to a forsaken race.

...Before me nothing but eternal things
Were made, and I shall last eternally
Abandon every hope, all you who enter.

So much darkness has overwhelmed me recently. All I feel is hunger. I try to fend it off with broths and fruit. I haven't slept in days. My body is so sore. All I want is a moment of peace but all I can feel is panic. I have to stop working overnights. It's slowly killing me. I need my sleep. I want the panic to go away. I want peace of mind so much.

I am still under 140lbs. Not quite at 135lbs again. I need to be under 130lbs before Hallowe'en...

Junsei wants to do a photo shoot of me. I kept telling him I wasn't "model" material. I'm far too short and I tried not to cut myself up to much but I mentioned my ass was too big. He thinks it's perfect. I'm so scared I can't trust a word he says. I have been so hurt in the past by men and their fleeting lies. I haven't seen him in about a week. He talks to me online and texts me a lot though. I can't tell if he's friendly or really interested. I am having such a hard time trusting anything he says to me but when I'm in his arms I feel so calm. I want this to turn into something. I'm so scared at how hurt I would be if it fell through like all the rest. He isn't like all the rest to me though... there is something about him. I can't put words to it.

Also... I think Dove likes him. She hasn't mentioned it but she always gets a bit weird when we talk about him. This also scares me. I feel like I could just shatter into a million pieces at any second I am so on edge... I should sleep. But I can't. Didn't drink any coffee or diet Pepsi today to try and help. Still can't.

I'm sure I will tonight. At least a little.

I love her legs. Her ankles are so delicate...

Yuck. I have been pigging out the last couple of days and loosing track of calorie counting. Stupid Thanksgiving... I was doing so well until the leftovers happened.

Starting today I will update and get back on calorie counting. It helped me a lot before... I slipped up and gained about 5lbs... can't be sure exactly until I do my "morning" weigh in. I feel gross and fat. I have been reading blogs and seeing how good everyone has been doing with their fasts... I must be thinspired! I must continue on my road to skinny. It makes me happy every time I reach a new goal weight. I want to be under 130lbs before Hallowe'en. I want to be perfect by my birthday.

I have been exercising since I got home from work. Jumping jacks... skipping... push ups and sit ups and of course my true love; yoga. My stupid heart keeps palpitating once I get my heart rate up so I can't push too hard. I hate being sick. I wish I could run and run and run. I love to run. I hate my heart.

So yeah... feeling frustrated. But it's moments like this that push me toward success. I will be petite. My dream will come true.

I have been dreaming about cutting. I miss cutting. I wish they would disappear as soon as I was done. I love how it feels. I love the redness of the blood.  I love the adrenaline and how it calms me and takes me to another world. I love how it brings me back to reality when its all over and reminds me that I want to be alive. I hate people knowing about it. I hate people seeing it. I hate being called an emo... I hate people knowing I am depressed. I wish it wasn't a big deal. I wish I could just hate myself and be happy with it. What is so wrong about that?

... gorgeous.

It is getting easier and easier to not eat. I went for Thanksgiving with Lion yesterday and I finally saw the baby! She has gotten so big. I missed her. I gave her toys and I got to baby sit her while Lion went for groceries. Lion noticed the weight loss. He notices every time I gain or loose. He knows me too well. I ate normally in front of him and I told him I was cutting out carbs and fats and thats how I lost all the weight. I still need to be skinnier. I hate my fat legs... my fat arms... I can't see my ribs and it's driving me crazy. I am doing so well ... just not well enough.

I can't stop thinking about Junsei. The more I get to know him the more perfect he seems to me. I'm scared shitless. I haven't liked anyone this much ever. Trying to take it slow and easy. We sort of talked about it and realized we were both afraid of taking it too fast. He said he was scared of hurting me... which didn't make me feel much better about it. Normally if someone says something like that to me I'll back right off. But there is something about him. He just feels so familiar. I think I had a dream about him...

I am 135. It has been forever since I was 135. I was worried that after Dove's birthday I would binge because I allowed myself to eat cake and some snacks.... plus all the drinks that were passed around. But it was no problem at all getting back into the groove! The hunger just feels so right. Seeing myself shrink has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I have gained a half inch on my bust but I lost 1 inch on my waist and .5 on my hips so it's OK for now. That's all today. Just had to share the loss :)

Amazing weekend! Finally!

Dropping back under 140lbs has been amazing. I am so driven to keep going. I went to the grocery store and picked up a bunch of foods that I could eat in 100 or less calorie intakes. The way I have been going is to eat about 5 100cal "meals" a day. Things like apples, V-Go (my new life saver!), melba toast and tofurky slices. I have started getting comments from my friends about how healthy I eat. I chew on my apple while they eat chips and I don't even care. I went to Dairy Queen to get a cake for Dove and I was so hungry but the smell of the grease made me sick and I wanted nothing. I drank a V-Go and it filled me up wonderfully. Only 40cals! Those things rock my world.

So on Friday I went to go see the M Boys who I haven't seen in months. They are such laid back guys... always so much fun to see. But since it has been so long since they saw me they noticed the weight loss right away. They kept saying I looked so sexy. I can't believe it. I feel so fat but it is nice to be noticed again. 45lbs to go... then I can be the skinny girl. Saturday, during the day, I went to the mall and I was browsing for another gift for Dove. While I was there this extremely cute guy working there was helping me out. He was so flirty... it made me feel so good. So determined to keep loosing. He gave me his FB info and has been messaging me. Then later on Saturday... during the party... well... I'm pretty sure I met Mr. Perfect. I'll call him Junsei.

People have told me he is the male version of myself. He was so polite... so interesting... and so SMART! Very important. He loved everything I loved. He draws and sings and makes movies and takes sexy photos. He has tattoos but still he is a gentleman! I can't stop thinking about him and I can't wait to see him again. We cuddled together and he told me he loved my hip bones. I want them skinnier and my stomach flatter. He called me petite. I love that word (obvi.) I'm hardly petite. I'm fat petite. I'm only petite because I am short. Feels good to hear though. Especially from him! The one thing that got me the most... he stopped and stared at my eyes. He told me they were beautiful. I think my eyes are boring... and Dove has these gorgeous bright blue eyes with dark rings on the outside. She gets complimented all the time on them and I said her eyes were prettier. He said he had no idea what colour her eyes were. He noticed me and not her. This never happens. I am crazy about this boy. I'm scared with how crazy I am about him. I'm scared I'll get hurt.

I have lost track of calories in the last few days but I know it has been very very low. I am super happy with myself. I just ate a bowl of oatmeal and I will probably liquid fast for the rest of the day... maybe a couple of bites of an oatmeal cookie before work for some energy.

So I am down under 140lbs again and I am determined to keep it there! I am almost at my goal bust measurement... but my waist hasn't shrunk at all. Usually my waist is the first place I loose the weight so I was kind of surprised.

It's Dove's birthday this weekend! I gave her a present already because I was too anxious to wait. It was a double finger guitar ring. Almost looks like this:

I am fitting into my new jeans more comfortably and feeling very motivated. Still need to buy a new scale though... not feeling to hot about seeing 160s on the scale.

I have been stuck in quite a depression lately. Not sure what it is... maybe all the rain. Maybe I'm just depressed and I should deal with it better. Lately I feel like my weight is being rubbed in my face. Dove is constantly being called skinny and gorgeous... and she looks at me with this dumb-founded face like she has no idea what they are talking about. She thinks she is so ugly and I have no idea why. She actually said to me the other day that she wasn't skinny. This girl is like a model. Though I have noticed she has gained a little bit of weight. I always try to push her to eat better. She could be so perfect if she ate better. Me, on the other hand... people always tell me I shouldn't wear certain things because they "add weight" or they tell me about how I eat too much. No one has noticed at all how much I have cut back. My mother (who is tall and naturally skinny... used to be a model when she was my age) is constantly poking fun at my weight and measurements. Any time she sees short fat girls around she will make some comment about how gross they are and how out of hand obesity has gotten. How I wish I had her genes... it's so easy for her. She'll eat nothing but cheese and meat and she is still skinny as a rail at her age. Dove tries to make me feel good every now and then by telling me I wear my weight well and I'm not like those other fat girls. I know she is only nice to me because of all we have been through together. I'm the ugly one and she deserves a much sexier BFF than me. A much skinnier one... one more like she is.

A couple of days ago while being very good (I dropped under 140lbs for like a day... ) I kept turning down pops and food. People would give me these dirty looks when I turned down their "generosity" which to me just looks like calories and more calories. And honestly... ED or no ED who needs to eat McDonalds at 3 AM after a night of binge drinking? I will never get how people justify it. Social life + low cal diet = HARD AS FUCK.

I want to move to Australia. I want to get away from everything here and forget about family and friends. Why am I like this? Why do I hate to be emotionally attached to anything?

Today ... so far.

Hallowe'en Chocolate 80cal
Whole Grain Toast with Low Fat Cream Cheese 140cal
Honey Nut Cheerios (no milk) 150cal
Lime Freezie 15cal
1 Dried Apricot 10cal
1 Slice Whole Wheat Bread 95cal

Total 490cal

I am having a very good day. For the most part. I didn't get to see Lion and the baby today but I will see them tomorrow. Also my scale broke. Every time I get on it goes up 20lbs. Scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it. I can't seem to fix it so I guess this will just be a push to go buy a new digital one.

I haven't eaten a thing all day! It is so easy right now. I don't want to eat. I was on the bus and I smelt someones fast food bag and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I thought it was B.O. at first! Then I while I was at a salon getting my hair done all I could smell pizza... and the girl doing my hair had a huge stomach and all I felt pretty gross just being there. She was really sweet though and did a great job on my hair. She told me a story about how she got too drunk one night.

Tonight I am going to go out drinking. I starved all day to prepare for this! I am going to eat one chicken wrap (probably about 250cal) and then stick to vodka tonics (about 50cal each). No shots! None at all! I will loose track of calories and that's no good. I bought a new outfit and I am so happy with it. I haven't done much shopping since I dropped under 155lbs so I do look a little bit better. It's so encouraging! I got some sexy turquoise pumps... they look like candy!

 

I also got a new pair of jeans. Just one... and they were on sale. And I bought them a size too small so I feel extra fat in them. All my clothes were getting too big on me and kind of falling off. People at work were commenting on my pants. A little embarrassing. I can't wait until I can try on anything I see. I always feel weird shopping. I have such a love for fashion but I can't pull off anything. I can have fun with accessories but my pants and top are always super safe. Super boring. I never wear dresses and rarely wear skirts but I love them so much! I wish I had feminine skinny legs that didn't jiggle when I walked. Ew. 

It rained today so I slept all day. I worked 11.5 hours and I was exhausted... so nice to come home and cuddle with my kittens and just sleep all day. Going to see Lion and the baby tomorrow. I'm going to buy her a rattle. I'm excited to shop for it. Kind of didn't do so well yesterday with the calories. I went to the bar with Dove so she could visit her new boyfriend and he kept bringing us shots. Very sugary shots. I should start turning down everything that isn't a vodka tonic... and I should drink less. While I was there some random guy jumped off the roof. He was okay. He ran away and the police came... I think he must have been high. Weird.

Apple 80cal
1 Pork Skewer 130cal
Pack of Gum 50cal
Drinks at the Bar 550cal
Croissant 230cal
2 Lattes 240cal
Chicken and Tzatziki Wrap 260cal
Brownie 130cal

Total  1670

Yuck. I was scared of seeing this number. I have to stop drinking alcohol. There are too many reasons why I shouldn't. I should probably stop it with the lattes too... coffee and tea are just fine by me. There's lots of teas at work that I haven't tried yet so I will start drinking them instead.

I couldn't get a very solid sleep yesterday. I hate those nights. Sleep is so important! I struggle with it so much. Today Dove let me sleep in her brand new bed. It is retardedly comfortable... makes me want to buy a new one. I think I will wait until Christmas though.

So I'm going to start posting what I eat on here and it should help me keep track of calorie counting better. I keep doing it in my head and I don't think it's working too well right now. So yesterday I ate:

Slice of Watermellon 40cal
1 Buttermilk Waffle with Maple Syrup and Blue Berries 225cal
2 Ritz Crackers with Baba Ganoush 80cal
Plain Low Fat Hot Dog 210cal
Half Can of Coke 80cal
Lime Freezie 15cal
Soy Latte 120cal
Cheddar Bagel with Cream Cheese 520cal

Total: 1290cal

Yikes. I need to not eat bagels. I knew it when I was eating it too. Tonight is my last night of work and then I get three days off! Yaay!

Ugh. I wish I could go around my apartment and just throw out all the junk food. I don't buy it... Dove does. But I end up caving and eating it. I am up a couple pounds on account of another slice of cheese cake and some Doritos. God damn Doritos.

After work today I got this awful craving for Taco Bell. I have no idea where it came from but I started walking toward it. Every step I took I thought about the food there. I thought about how I really don't want it. I walked inside and stared at the menu and contemplated every item. And I left. With nothing. I am so fucking happy I left. I thought I was doomed for sure... but I actually felt disgusted by everything! I kept craving a snack so I went to the corner store and browsed at my usual suspects. And left with nothing. Even through the struggles I feel more determined every day to keep going... to keep loosing. I'm still over 140lbs though, which is really upsetting for me, but I will not give in and get depressed about it. I will use my disappointment to drive me forward. I desperately need to buy new jeans and I will not allow myself to do that while I am this fat. It will be a waste of money because I will look like shit anyways and I will have to buy jeans I don't like because the selection for fat asses like me is not so good... not to mention nothing looks good on a fucking 40 inch ass. Ugh.

I think I am going to buy a sketch book on pay day and start up a thinspo sketch book. It's a way that I can combine my creative energy with this desire to be skinny. I will really be able to meditate on every detail of skinniness. I bought a note book a couple days ago from India. It is very pretty and has canvas pages with dried flowers in the paper. I am using it for a book of mediation and inspiring quotes just to help keep my mood up in general. It is so awful when my mood gets out of hand. I feel so lost... I can't even describe the level of desperate loneliness I feel and how all I can think of is ending it all. My heart always goes crazy when I get upset too... I get panic attacks and worsened pain. I wish I was a psychopath so I didn't have to worry about dealing with pesky emotions. It would make being selfish a hell of a lot easier.

So instead of nasty greasy fast food (which I am unbelievably happy to be disgusted by again!) or fatty chips... chocolates... or any other evil temptation available in this fast paced instant meal society that I live in I am baking a potato. I like it plain with just salt. Gives me all the satisfaction I expect from bad foods without being that bad. Plus it makes me wait an hour for it so I can get nice and empty. I love how food tastes when my stomach is so so empty. That first bite is heaven and no other bite after can compare. It makes it easier to stop eating and pitch the rest because it just isn't as good unless my stomach is hollow and I am sleepy and weak. I like it better that way. I hate eating when I am full. I get so repulsed when I think about how I used to eat. How I used to go out to a fast food joint and order two meals for myself to eat in a day and then go out and get a bag of chips, chocolates, pops, milk shakes, ice creams, pepperettes.... and just eat it all in one sitting. It's no wonder I got so fucking fat. I let depression take over me and I stopped caring about myself. I don't know if I ever will really learn to love myself but I can at least learn to hate myself the right way. No one likes a fattie. Skinny girls do better in life. Period. It's a fact. I'm sick of my fat ass just being one more thing I hate about myself. I can be proud of myself for turning down disgusting fatty sugary foods and saying no to it all instead. I can be proud of myself for accomplishing a life long dream.

Oh God. These last few days have been hell. For some reason I get this crazy idea every now and then that not taking my medicine is a good idea. Then I pay for it so so dearly. The pain came back so strong and I practically had a melt down. If it wasn't for Dove being around I might have cut myself. But I didn't. Which is good. I also didn't binge eat and gain any weight! However... ABC went to shit and I also lost nothing. Oh well. I'm going to have to just keep trucking.

I'm back on track today. Nice and empty right now and planning to stay that way. Last night I ate my first raw vegan dinner. It was amazing. I have re-fallen in love with zucchinis. Dove had made this cheese cake for her boyfriend... then dumped him and she dumped the cheese cake on me because she doesn't even like cheese cake. I unfortunately love the shit out of cheese cake. But I took a tiny tiny mouthful and told her the cheese wasn't sitting well for me. I have a very finicky stomach which comes in handy in these kinds of situations. It's still sitting in the fridge though. I think I will take it to Lion on Friday and pawn it off on him and his girl. I am very excited to see them and the baby!

I get paid this Friday so I'm going to be joining a yoga class down the street. They also do mediation there which I am pretty psyched about! I have been doing yoga for years but always at home. I'm pretty excited about having a teacher. They offer classes to be a yoga teacher there as well... which I would be very interested in looking into! I am getting sick of working around food all the time. I am constantly burning myself and the scars are getting out of hand. Thank God for the cover up power of tattoos... last night while preparing some baba ganoush I touched my new tattoo to the top of the oven by accident. Big nasty burn. I also accidentally dipped a finger into boiling hot water... twice. It is awful. I should look into scar removal surgeries.

My religion is to live and die without regret. 

Calories can not make you happy.

I totally fucked over work last night by not showing up or calling. Whatever. I still have a job. I don't know what came over me. I really hate these night shifts.... they are no good for my mood. I get depressed without sunlight. My doctor gave me 50,000IUs of vitamin D weekly because I apparently am severely lacking. I need a pay check though and the work is way to easy to just give up on. Plus it's only 4 shifts a week which is perfect for my crippled ass.

I just got back from the farmers market. When I got up from my major sleeping in session today I decided what I needed to do was get on a diet plan instead of just winging it with low calories. I have a tendency to fill up my calorie allowance with crap like carbs and sugar. I'm not even supposed to be eating that shit for health reasons. So I think I will try the ABC diet starting TODAY. So far I have eaten nothing but three pieces of gum (6cal) and a coke zero. I really hate the aspartame in it all but it's better than me eating sugar. How come I can't get diet pop with sucrose in it? Anyways, I told myself that when I went to the farmers market I would buy nothing but fruits and vegetables and I will try my darnest to eat as much raw vegan food as I can. I can't go all the way vegan. I can't even do all the way vegetarian. If I try to put that much restriction on my eating right now I know I will fail and I can't fail. I need to be allowed to eat a piece of fish so that I don't freak out from missing meats and just eat a giant pork chop instead. Ew. Pork is fucking gross.

So as I'm sure you already know the ABC diet (ana boot camp... I'm not a fan of the name) is a 50 day plan consisting of daily calorie restrictions and fasts. It's actually quite low on fast days so I think it would be a good place to start since I tend to fast for a couple days then binge. And I don't purge. It doesn't come easily to me and I find it really disgusting... plus I am kind of neurotic about my teeth and I fear what the stomach acid will does to them. So this should help me get used to fasting without feeling the need to eat a retardedly large amount of food afterward and destroying any progress I've made. And I've decided since the fast days are solo that I will not take the Cymbalta on fast days. I am ok without one day of those pills and I would rather not feel that awful feeling they give me when I take them on an empty stomach. Well thats all for now... I will keep my progress to the right -->

Half the spiritual life consists of remembering what we are up against and where we are going.

 Craving is only a feeling.

Oh my God. Dove made rum balls last night. And a mess out of my perfectly clean kitchen... and a mess out of my liquid diet. I can't really blame it all on her though. I broke it with zucchini. And chicken strips. And then a fucking coke. I'm too scared to even look at the scale right now. I of course also ate a rum ball that Dove made. She said she wants to make desserts all the time. She wants to get me fat!

I just bought a sub. Its just sitting there. I don't want to touch it. I want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I love the way that hunger feels... the way it aches. I love the way it feels to fool my stomach with water... pills... smokes... and most of all I love to see the numbers go down on the scale! It's such an empowering feeling. I know I can do this! I won't give up. There is a new girl at my work. She is incredibly skinny. Her elbows poke out and her arms are so thin. She doesn't look like she has an ounce of fat on her. I feel fucking obese around her. She is my new IRL thinspiration.

Look upon negativities that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow.

 Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal.

In my desperate attempt to get myself under 140lbs last night I ate nothing before work. But I did take my Cymbalta... which I am not supposed to take on an empty stomach. So there I am at work trudging merrily away when all of a sudden I feel dizzy and exhausted. I figured it was from not eating so I drank some coffee and kept going... but I only felt worse and worse. I don't know why I didn't assume right away it was the Cymbalta.... I have done this before. But I cracked and I ate half a ham sandwich.... ugh. With cheese on it. Needless to say I did not feel any better and I did not loose the weight. I still feel like shit right now. I managed to get the night off work in exchange for taking a Friday shift so I can "recover" because everyone at work thinks I must be coming down with something. I am hoping to do better with food today and just consume liquids... and some strawberries to help the Cymbalta down. I need to go buy some soy milk.... it should make for a good meal replacement when I need to take my meds on an empty stomach. I fucking hate how many pills I have to eat in a day, though one benefit is that between pills and gulps of water it usually fills me up enough to kill any hunger that might be looming.

I would love to write some more about how frustrated and at the same time satisfied I am with Cymbalta right now but I am entirely too exhausted to focus. I can't even sleep right now because I am shaking too much from it. I hate the shakes it gives me. I'm probably just going to wind up drinking tea and watching some episodes of Mad Men.

View all problems as challenges.

You will come to realize that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment you ever made.

So... I am up a couple of pounds. Yuck. Didn't eat anything at work yesterday... didn't even have time to anyways. I was an hour and a half late and just running around like a maniac trying to get my work done. When I got home I got a good 6 hours sleep and then cleaned the shit out of the apartment (except for my bedroom...). I did all the nastiest chores too... cleaned out the fridge (everything has started to go moldy... Dove is never home and I never eat.) Cleaned the toilet... the tub... the floors... the cat box... Ew. Ew. Ew. Not hungry at all. I just ate a couple of tums for the calcium and a coffee. Sucking on tums helps a lot.

I'm hoping by the time I wake up tomorrow I will be under 140lbs. Kind of my little goal to help push me through the night without eating. Thank God my job has soy milk and club soda. I don't know how I would manage without the two.

Happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little.

 Pain is only as real as you allow it to be.

Yikes. A friend dragged me out to an Indian restaurant. I tried not to go. I said I was full and that I just ate. I told her I didn't have money anyways and she insisted and she would pay for it. So we went and I just ordered an appetizer and I barley ate any of it... but I still ate too much. They insisted I try some of their food. I kept saying I was so full and pecked at it. I have to admit it was delicious though.

Feeling pretty fat right now though. I'm so bloated and full. Gross. I work tomorrow. It's so easy not to eat at work.

If you haven't wept deeply, you haven't begun to meditate. 

The difference between want and need is self-control

Wow last night got slightly out of hand. I did good with eating though! No worries there. Woke up today at 141lbs and I am happy and determined as ever.

I got a new tattoo yesterday and it looks amazing. Just the out-line is done for now and I am excited for it to be coloured! So after it was done a bunch of people from the tattoo shop decided to go out for drinks. We came back to my place to smoke some weed when one of my buddies busted out some coke. Fuck. I used to have a problem with coke. I ended up doing wayyyy to much last night and smoking cigarettes until I retched. I stayed up until 5am driving all over the place to look for places to party. It got crazy! I made out with this random guy who was totally hot but way too drunk. He has been texting me all day and now I'm regretting kissing him haha. He's a big metal head... in a band and everything. I don't really like metal heads. Silly me. Of course I kissed him while I was all coked up. Fuck. This is never happening again. And I am throwing my cigarettes out. I don't know why the fuck I smoke them. At least I have been good with my vitamins... eating about 20 pills a day. I am so neurotic with them.

So today I am going to take it super easy and just stay in and drink lots of tea and watch movies or something. I would kind of like to go out, but I don't want to over-do it. I work tomorrow night.

We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.

 Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.

Oh boy has it been a weird couple of days. I went 60 hours with no sleep... bad idea obviously. Between work and friends I just didn't have the time. I spent all day yesterday sleeping and it was glorious and I promised myself it won't ever happen again!

My diet is doing good... despite some bad things slipping through. My friends really wanted to go to this fair... and it's like tradition to get a massive funnel cake every time we go. I love those things and I managed to get a bunch of people to split it with me. I hate getting food at these things though. Everything is so jumbo sized and there isn't a fresh fruit or vegetable to be seen for days.

I weighed myself today and I am happily under 145lbs! This is awesome! It is so rewarding to see this working out for me. I have also lost 2 inches of my waist and hips, and 1 inch off my bust since I started measuring myself. My goal is becoming clearer and clearer every day.

Today I am going to get a new tattoo! I am excited...I find the pain of getting tattooed is a good replacement for the pain of cutting. Anything to keep me from cutting is good.

I wish I had more to say... I'm just glad this is working so far. It's been a long time coming.

Make an island of yourself,
make yourself your refuge;
there is no other refuge.

Starving is not pain, it's the cure. 

I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the stars that aren’t there anymore

I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
So like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time


Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, and I can hardly relax or even oversleep
But I feel warm with your hand, in mine, when we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow


So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?

Yea, All the time.
All the time.

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
*Only* time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time

Oh, All the time

As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth.  

Starving is an example of excellent will power.

This is disgusting.

A 603-pound woman believed to be the heaviest in Thailand left her apartment for the first time in three years Thursday with the help of Bangkok city hall and a forklift.

Bangkok's media-savvy governor Sukhumbhand Paribatra summoned camera crews to document the event, which involved engineers, demolition crews, rescue workers, doctors and nurses.

"I've been living in this room and have not gone outside for three years," she said, whose weight is roughly the equivalent of a grand piano. "I can walk a little, just enough that I can go to bathroom. But I have to cling to my son the whole way."

Umnuayporn walked slowly to a trolley aided by her son. She was rolled down the corridor to a nearby empty apartment where workers had torn down an inner wall to allow her entry and demolished a section of the building's facade to take her outside.

This woman is a burden. How much money is she costing her government? Imagine what her sons life must be like to have to walk his own obese mother to the toilet and back! He probably has to feed her the buckets of food she must consume. I feel sick.

I teach one thing and one only:
that is, suffering and the end of suffering.

 I do eat: only what is needed for . I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

So... yesterday was difficult. I was invited over to a massive feast of simple carbs and fat fat fat. I offered to make a salad so I could have control over at least one thing in my meal but I was shot down. I took it quite personally... I really am an awesome cook. I managed to get away with not touching the mashed potatoes, bread or ribs without anyone saying a peep but by the end of the meal I had still gained 4 pounds. Dove had made a huge batch of brownies too and forced one into my mouth. I turned around and spit it out when she wasn't looking... it was fucking delicious though. She also, unfortunately, packed the fridge full of food for "us". Bacon, bread, sausages, cokes, cheese, juice boxes, craft dinner, breaded chicken. I swear this girl did not bring in a single vegetable. I hope she has fun chowing this stuff back on her own. I don't know how she manages to stay so slim on a diet like that. It's really unfair. Her mother is tall and slim like her too... she got good genes. What's not fair is my mother is tall and slim, and here I am short and fat like some genetic malfunction.

Anyways. Last nights shift was good. I DIDN'T EAT A THING! Just coffee and club sodas for 10 hours.
I am so proud of myself since I work in a bakery and I am tempted with carbs at every corner. They have stuff to make salads with there too... so I should be good for today if I need to eat. I popped on the scale when I awoke saw that I had lost those 4lbs gained from that awful dinner. I'm almost 145lbs. 50lbs to go until my goal. It feels so good to be under 150lbs again. I can't believe I ever let myself go so bad. Life can be shitty... but it's never so bad that you need to cry into a cheese cake and let your ass develop it's own gravitational pull. Speaking of cheese cake... Dove cooked one of those too. It's in the fridge chilling now. I guarantee she will push that into my mouth too. She knows sugar makes me feel like shit though so I am sure I will be able to work my way around it.

I've got another long shift tonight. I like these long hard shifts. I really get a work out just from working. The heat from the ovens keeps me sweating and drinking water, and the weight of all the baskets full of bagels is helping to burn calories. Since I work alone too I can get away with eating nothing and no one will say a word. I get my first pay Friday and I'm going to join a gym near by... so as soon as I get off work I can go for a work out and then go home. I have a feeling this will be a very rewarding schedule to get into.

The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.

Thin has a taste all its own.

I woke up this morning and hopped on the scale to see I have shed three pounds. Awesome. However... I did not fast yesterday. I tried and I made it 'till about 10 till I broke down. Unfortunately I ate a chocolate chip muffin. 230 calories of sugar and carbs. I need to go buy more vegetables that I can eat raw. I have been super broke this month and dealing with my room mates choice of food which is all carb central.

Anyway, I went out to the bars last night and I was ordered a rum and coke. They know I don't like to drink pop so I don't know why they got it. The rest of the night was all vodka tonics but I drank way too much. I'm not supposed to be drinking while I am on Cymbalta... it's apparently super bad for my liver. Yikes. When I get drunk though I just crave meat. It was awful. Everyone was eating hot dogs and they asked to buy me some. Even after they ate them they were talking about going out to a burger joint after the bars closed. Awful awful. There is no need to eat like that. I did not have the hot dog or burger though. I went home and I was unable to resist boiling up a couple of eggs. 37 calories and lots of protein and b12. I refuse to feel bad about that. I will however feel bad about hopping right into bed after I ate them. And I will feel bad for barely drinking any water as well. I will be sure to drink a lot today.

Also, I got my period today. Finally! I was really scared I might have been pregnant. It's just because I missed my birth control pills for a month and my body went hay wire. I fucking hate not being on my pill. My skin turns to the surface of Venus and my boobs shrink down to the size of raisins. Yuck yuck. So thank you nasty blood retching vagina for letting me go back on my pill next month. Hopefully I will not gain weight from it.

I am going to go to the mall today. I want to buy something new to wear but I hate shopping for clothes. Everything looks like shit on me. I have such a weird body shape... I just want to be skinny and not worry about how things fit... because everything will just fit. I will do this. My goal is not unreasonable. I won't be young forever and I want to be able to look back on photos of me and remember being pretty, skinny, and desirable. I don't want to remember all the food I ate.

The greatest precept is continual awareness.

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist but ordinary's just not good enough today.