I have been trying to update for days and for some reason I have been having troubles. oh well.

The holidays has been so nuts for me. I am running around like a crazy person just working and working and working some more. Tomorrow will be worse. Where I work Christmas Day is the busiest day of the year.

Just relaxing at home right now. Gave my family a call to wish them merry Christmases and waiting for the man to come home and we will open presents. We can't do it tomorrow.... Way too busy! But it is good to be busy. Less time to think about food. But I am getting a bit grumpy.

My intake has been a bit high lately but still in the negative nets every day. My jeans are fitting better... Good news there! Also good news is I didn't eat a thing after my last post! Fuck yeah. I bought a couple of shirts the other day for myself and was a but bummed at my belly in he mirror. But I should be because I am overweight. Will not let it bog me down! I will stay strong and if I keep going the way I am I will lose the weight! Tomorrow is my weigh in... Christmas Day of course.

Sorry about no Thinspo Thursday!!!! Again troubles getting my post page to load on my computer. But be sure to stay strong over these holidays girls, with all the cookies and big dinners. Remember, even if you eat a bit too much not to hate yourself. Tomorrow is a new day and you can make up for it! Much love! Xoxo

Thursday intake : 1054 net (-793)
Friday intake : 1296 net (-618)
Saturday intake : 1290 net (-457)
Sunday intake : 1476 net (-838)
Monday intake : 812 net (-1035) as of now

I have to add 150cal to yesterdays total. The man came home last night after a Christmas party with some food and he really went out of his way to get it. So I nibbled at a couple of these spring rolls and the calorie count went up. All the rest of the food is in the fridge, lots of desserts. Dirty tempting deserts...

I went back to work today and I just felt so run down and tired. I wasn't very productive and I hate when I am not super productive at work. I got to switch shifts for tomorrow so I can get a bit more sleep in the morning. The man was very drunk when he came home last night so my sleep was really bad. He was tossing and turning and groaning all night. I sleep very lightly so it was tough and I just had nightmares when I was sleeping.

I've been getting a lot of nightmares lately, but this should be the worst of it. When there isn't much sunlight my mood drops but I am doing much better this winter than I have been for the last couple of winters. I am much more in control of my bad moods and much more physically active.

Anyway. My intake today is amazing but I am worried I am going to crack before bed.... so I'll have to make a plan so if I decide I need to eat I will be in control. I should actually make some tea right now and that could stop me from cracking all together.

Calories Eaten: 556
Calories Burned: 1840
Net: -1284

Wearing high waisted shorts and not looking like I've had 20 kids <3

I'm back

It has been almost two years and everything is different. Dove isn't in the picture any more. No point in getting into it. Things got ugly. I have moved for work and there's no more food in my work place. Thank God.

When I moved I dropped down to 125lbs. But I got pretty carried away with drinking and fast food with new friends and got back up to 150lbs. So I got back into it. Dropped 10lbs and I am still working my way down. I have been doing great. Exercise is more a part of my life now then ever. I play sports. I snowboard and skate. I have been doing P90X yoga and lifting weights. My mood is so much much much better. I am living with my boyfriend of just over a year.

I want to change the disposition of my blog. It will still be Thinspo. I will resurrect my Thinspo Thursday and post my eating when I can. Living with my man will make this a little challenging. But there is no self loathing. No more masochism. No more cutting, cocaine, weed, booze or hate. I went to a dark place not long after my last post. I wanted to end my life. I am happier now more than ever, but I still strive to be thin.

I am sick right now. Doctor said it might be the flu so I have been feeling a bit lethargic. Not so much exercise but it's been easier to eat less. The man is supportive of my latest diet efforts, but he thinks I don't need to be having the diet pills.


Today's calories are a bit high. But today was my weigh in and I celebrated with a chocolate milk shake at McDonalds. Tomorrow I will do better. I can take off my jeans without unbuttoning them. 5 more pounds and I will buy a new pair just a bit tight. Hooray!

Calories: 1323
Exercise: 1614
Net: -291

Shut up! <3 Flat belly love

My birthday was yesterday, and my friends all took me out to a buffet where I proceeded to eat two plates of food and a bite of chocolate pie. My friend Colly was there with me... I am pretty sure she has recently reverted back to her old eating disorder. She has lost so much weight recently and after eating she went right to the washroom. She used to be bulimic. I wish I could throw up my food easily. I am destined to starve myself I suppose.

Anyways. Today is a liquid fast. Tomorrow as well. My doctor took me off Cymbalta so I am no longer required to eat with medicine every day. Time to take full advantage. I want to get down to 120lbs as fast as I can... I need to. I am so disgusted by myself every time I catch my reflection in the mirror... or see myself naked. Showers are hell sometimes.

Not much privacy. Dove is at home a lot more. Sorry for the lack of comments and posts these days.

Those legs... dear God those legs. Mine will be just the same soon enough.

It has been far too long. Far far too long. I am not even sure where to pick up. Things got bad. I was having a lot of severe anxiety attacks and my doctor took me off of Cymbalta. I am sick again. I am back to being in and out of doctors offices. Back to square one. My stamina has decreased by 2/3 and now every time I exercise I feel it for days ... even though I can barely get any in when I do. My heart pounds and races and my metabolism has gone to shit. I can't sleep at all any more and when I do it's scarce.

I got very depressed and I gained and gained. I ate ice cream, potato chips, chocolates, bread bread bread. I am such a fucking failure. I am at 140lbs now. I have to regain control. This is what I need... control in my life. Everything is fucked. I need to fix this. I just want to be thin. I am tired of looking in the mirror and feeling nothing but hate.

So I am back. Things are getting a bit easier.

Yesterday's Eats

2 coffee with sugar 100cal
1 low sodium VGo 35cal
1 half pack of almond tofu 80cal
2 tbsp 1% cottage cheese 40cal
1/2 a banana 50cal
2 special K bars 160cal
1 raspberry danish 350cal

Total:  815

Beautiful ribs peaking out...

It's thinspo Thursday! I've had a bit of a rough week (what else is new... eh?) but Thursday is all about pushing through! So if you've had a rough week too... put it behind you and start fresh again! And if you're doing good I'm proud of you... keep pushing! Thin is within your reach! ♥

Keep your hair healthy and strong!

It's a common problem... hair loss. A good place to start in repairing your hair, and preventing loss, is watching your vitamin intake! You must always be conscious of your vitamin intake when restricting to avoid serious health problems. Taking vitamin supplements is not always enough since your body is more receptive to vitamins coming from a natural source. If you take vitamin supplements in combination with the right foods you will benefit from the supplement much better than without! Here are some key vitamins for hair health and complimenting low-cal foods!

Vitamin A - Helps produce healthy sebum in the scalp. You can find vitamin A in eggs, spinach, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, apricots and peaches. You should try to get at least 5,000 IU a day... but remember; too much vitamin A can actually cause hair loss! Keep your dose well under 25,000 IU a day.

Vitamin C - Not only good for your hair, but also great for your skin! In my opinion, you can never get enough vitamin C. Remember not to take chewable supplements, because they will erode the enamel on your teeth! You can find vitamin C in plenty of foods, especially broccoli, tomato, papaya, mango, red, green and yellow peppers, and kiwis. Try to get at least 60mg in a day, but many doctors advise as much as 1000mg a day to help support a healthy immune system. Never go over 2000mg, or else you will have some skin discolouration. I did this once and wound up with yellow eyes! Not sexy.

Vitamin E - Enhances scalp circulation and can be found in leafy green vegetables. Eat up your salads! Take up to 400IU a day, and if you have high blood pressure you should research more into your vitamin E intake, and discuss with your doctor, as too much can cause problems.

Biotin and Vitamin B5 (Pantothenic Acid) - Specifically helps reduce and prevent hair loss! Unfortunately these vitamins are usually found in more high-cal foods such as whole grains and meats, but I recommend trying egg yolks. Get 150-300mg biotin and 4-7mg B5 in a day.

Inositol - Helps keep your hair follicles healthy on a cellular level. This can be found in any citrus fruit, like oranges, lemons, grapefruits and tangerines. You can have up to 600mg a day.

Vitamin B6 - Also specifically prevents hair loss and produces melanin to help keep your colour vibrant. It can be found in egg yolk, as well as many fruits and vegetables such as bananas, kiwi, limes, plums, avocado, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower, corn, leeks, mushrooms, onions, spinach and zucchini. Get a daily dose of 1.6mg, but watch your intake! Too much vitamin B6 can cause numbness of hands and feet.

Vitamin B12 - Also prevents hair loss! This one is a toughy, but very important for overall health! I struggled with a b12 deficiency for a very long time and it caused me very serious health problems. Take your supplements, and whenever you can bite the bullet and find a natural source of b12. It can only be found in animal based products, or soy products. I recommend chicken or fish, egg yolks, or soy milk. 

I know all this vitamin jargon can be a lot to take in at once, especially if your not well versed in nutrition. So to help make your first steps a little easier, I've included a recipe that meets all your hair-health needs!

Citrus Broccoli Salad!  (120cal)

*Remember, you can change up any of the vegetables in this recipe. I chose broccoli because it covers a lot of your necessary vitamins!

1 egg, boiled and cooled.

1/2 cup of fresh broccoli flourettes

1/2 fresh garlic clove

1 slice of fresh lemon

1 cup mixed greens

pinch of salt and pepper for taste

Place rinsed broccoli in a steam basket and steam in pot with 1 inch of water for three minutes. (Raw or boiled broccoli will do if you do not have a steamer.) Remove from heat immediately to avoid over-cooking, and place in a serving bowl to cool. In a separate bowl mix juice from lemon slice, garlic, salt and pepper, then pour over cooled broccoli. Slice boiled egg in half, and place on mixed greens along with broccoli. Eat and enjoy!

Fashion Thinspo: Eniko Mihalik for Bergdorf Goodman Resort

I have been spending a lot of time looking up work-outs online. I love to mix it up and try new things to keep it interesting for myself. I have discovered the long arm crunch... and fallen in love with it! Same as regular crunches, except you keep your arms straight above your head! Try it out. It's amazing.