I have been stuck in quite a depression lately. Not sure what it is... maybe all the rain. Maybe I'm just depressed and I should deal with it better. Lately I feel like my weight is being rubbed in my face. Dove is constantly being called skinny and gorgeous... and she looks at me with this dumb-founded face like she has no idea what they are talking about. She thinks she is so ugly and I have no idea why. She actually said to me the other day that she wasn't skinny. This girl is like a model. Though I have noticed she has gained a little bit of weight. I always try to push her to eat better. She could be so perfect if she ate better. Me, on the other hand... people always tell me I shouldn't wear certain things because they "add weight" or they tell me about how I eat too much. No one has noticed at all how much I have cut back. My mother (who is tall and naturally skinny... used to be a model when she was my age) is constantly poking fun at my weight and measurements. Any time she sees short fat girls around she will make some comment about how gross they are and how out of hand obesity has gotten. How I wish I had her genes... it's so easy for her. She'll eat nothing but cheese and meat and she is still skinny as a rail at her age. Dove tries to make me feel good every now and then by telling me I wear my weight well and I'm not like those other fat girls. I know she is only nice to me because of all we have been through together. I'm the ugly one and she deserves a much sexier BFF than me. A much skinnier one... one more like she is.

A couple of days ago while being very good (I dropped under 140lbs for like a day... ) I kept turning down pops and food. People would give me these dirty looks when I turned down their "generosity" which to me just looks like calories and more calories. And honestly... ED or no ED who needs to eat McDonalds at 3 AM after a night of binge drinking? I will never get how people justify it. Social life + low cal diet = HARD AS FUCK.

I want to move to Australia. I want to get away from everything here and forget about family and friends. Why am I like this? Why do I hate to be emotionally attached to anything?

Today ... so far.

Hallowe'en Chocolate 80cal
Whole Grain Toast with Low Fat Cream Cheese 140cal
Honey Nut Cheerios (no milk) 150cal
Lime Freezie 15cal
1 Dried Apricot 10cal
1 Slice Whole Wheat Bread 95cal

Total 490cal