I have lost track of calories in the last few days but I know it has been very very low. I am super happy with myself. I just ate a bowl of oatmeal and I will probably liquid fast for the rest of the day... maybe a couple of bites of an oatmeal cookie before work for some energy.

So I am down under 140lbs again and I am determined to keep it there! I am almost at my goal bust measurement... but my waist hasn't shrunk at all. Usually my waist is the first place I loose the weight so I was kind of surprised.

It's Dove's birthday this weekend! I gave her a present already because I was too anxious to wait. It was a double finger guitar ring. Almost looks like this:

I am fitting into my new jeans more comfortably and feeling very motivated. Still need to buy a new scale though... not feeling to hot about seeing 160s on the scale.

I have been stuck in quite a depression lately. Not sure what it is... maybe all the rain. Maybe I'm just depressed and I should deal with it better. Lately I feel like my weight is being rubbed in my face. Dove is constantly being called skinny and gorgeous... and she looks at me with this dumb-founded face like she has no idea what they are talking about. She thinks she is so ugly and I have no idea why. She actually said to me the other day that she wasn't skinny. This girl is like a model. Though I have noticed she has gained a little bit of weight. I always try to push her to eat better. She could be so perfect if she ate better. Me, on the other hand... people always tell me I shouldn't wear certain things because they "add weight" or they tell me about how I eat too much. No one has noticed at all how much I have cut back. My mother (who is tall and naturally skinny... used to be a model when she was my age) is constantly poking fun at my weight and measurements. Any time she sees short fat girls around she will make some comment about how gross they are and how out of hand obesity has gotten. How I wish I had her genes... it's so easy for her. She'll eat nothing but cheese and meat and she is still skinny as a rail at her age. Dove tries to make me feel good every now and then by telling me I wear my weight well and I'm not like those other fat girls. I know she is only nice to me because of all we have been through together. I'm the ugly one and she deserves a much sexier BFF than me. A much skinnier one... one more like she is.

A couple of days ago while being very good (I dropped under 140lbs for like a day... ) I kept turning down pops and food. People would give me these dirty looks when I turned down their "generosity" which to me just looks like calories and more calories. And honestly... ED or no ED who needs to eat McDonalds at 3 AM after a night of binge drinking? I will never get how people justify it. Social life + low cal diet = HARD AS FUCK.

I want to move to Australia. I want to get away from everything here and forget about family and friends. Why am I like this? Why do I hate to be emotionally attached to anything?

Today ... so far.

Hallowe'en Chocolate 80cal
Whole Grain Toast with Low Fat Cream Cheese 140cal
Honey Nut Cheerios (no milk) 150cal
Lime Freezie 15cal
1 Dried Apricot 10cal
1 Slice Whole Wheat Bread 95cal

Total 490cal

I am having a very good day. For the most part. I didn't get to see Lion and the baby today but I will see them tomorrow. Also my scale broke. Every time I get on it goes up 20lbs. Scared the shit out of me the first time I saw it. I can't seem to fix it so I guess this will just be a push to go buy a new digital one.

I haven't eaten a thing all day! It is so easy right now. I don't want to eat. I was on the bus and I smelt someones fast food bag and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I thought it was B.O. at first! Then I while I was at a salon getting my hair done all I could smell pizza... and the girl doing my hair had a huge stomach and all I felt pretty gross just being there. She was really sweet though and did a great job on my hair. She told me a story about how she got too drunk one night.

Tonight I am going to go out drinking. I starved all day to prepare for this! I am going to eat one chicken wrap (probably about 250cal) and then stick to vodka tonics (about 50cal each). No shots! None at all! I will loose track of calories and that's no good. I bought a new outfit and I am so happy with it. I haven't done much shopping since I dropped under 155lbs so I do look a little bit better. It's so encouraging! I got some sexy turquoise pumps... they look like candy!

 

I also got a new pair of jeans. Just one... and they were on sale. And I bought them a size too small so I feel extra fat in them. All my clothes were getting too big on me and kind of falling off. People at work were commenting on my pants. A little embarrassing. I can't wait until I can try on anything I see. I always feel weird shopping. I have such a love for fashion but I can't pull off anything. I can have fun with accessories but my pants and top are always super safe. Super boring. I never wear dresses and rarely wear skirts but I love them so much! I wish I had feminine skinny legs that didn't jiggle when I walked. Ew. 

It rained today so I slept all day. I worked 11.5 hours and I was exhausted... so nice to come home and cuddle with my kittens and just sleep all day. Going to see Lion and the baby tomorrow. I'm going to buy her a rattle. I'm excited to shop for it. Kind of didn't do so well yesterday with the calories. I went to the bar with Dove so she could visit her new boyfriend and he kept bringing us shots. Very sugary shots. I should start turning down everything that isn't a vodka tonic... and I should drink less. While I was there some random guy jumped off the roof. He was okay. He ran away and the police came... I think he must have been high. Weird.

Apple 80cal
1 Pork Skewer 130cal
Pack of Gum 50cal
Drinks at the Bar 550cal
Croissant 230cal
2 Lattes 240cal
Chicken and Tzatziki Wrap 260cal
Brownie 130cal

Total  1670

Yuck. I was scared of seeing this number. I have to stop drinking alcohol. There are too many reasons why I shouldn't. I should probably stop it with the lattes too... coffee and tea are just fine by me. There's lots of teas at work that I haven't tried yet so I will start drinking them instead.

I couldn't get a very solid sleep yesterday. I hate those nights. Sleep is so important! I struggle with it so much. Today Dove let me sleep in her brand new bed. It is retardedly comfortable... makes me want to buy a new one. I think I will wait until Christmas though.

So I'm going to start posting what I eat on here and it should help me keep track of calorie counting better. I keep doing it in my head and I don't think it's working too well right now. So yesterday I ate:

Slice of Watermellon 40cal
1 Buttermilk Waffle with Maple Syrup and Blue Berries 225cal
2 Ritz Crackers with Baba Ganoush 80cal
Plain Low Fat Hot Dog 210cal
Half Can of Coke 80cal
Lime Freezie 15cal
Soy Latte 120cal
Cheddar Bagel with Cream Cheese 520cal

Total: 1290cal

Yikes. I need to not eat bagels. I knew it when I was eating it too. Tonight is my last night of work and then I get three days off! Yaay!

Ugh. I wish I could go around my apartment and just throw out all the junk food. I don't buy it... Dove does. But I end up caving and eating it. I am up a couple pounds on account of another slice of cheese cake and some Doritos. God damn Doritos.

After work today I got this awful craving for Taco Bell. I have no idea where it came from but I started walking toward it. Every step I took I thought about the food there. I thought about how I really don't want it. I walked inside and stared at the menu and contemplated every item. And I left. With nothing. I am so fucking happy I left. I thought I was doomed for sure... but I actually felt disgusted by everything! I kept craving a snack so I went to the corner store and browsed at my usual suspects. And left with nothing. Even through the struggles I feel more determined every day to keep going... to keep loosing. I'm still over 140lbs though, which is really upsetting for me, but I will not give in and get depressed about it. I will use my disappointment to drive me forward. I desperately need to buy new jeans and I will not allow myself to do that while I am this fat. It will be a waste of money because I will look like shit anyways and I will have to buy jeans I don't like because the selection for fat asses like me is not so good... not to mention nothing looks good on a fucking 40 inch ass. Ugh.

I think I am going to buy a sketch book on pay day and start up a thinspo sketch book. It's a way that I can combine my creative energy with this desire to be skinny. I will really be able to meditate on every detail of skinniness. I bought a note book a couple days ago from India. It is very pretty and has canvas pages with dried flowers in the paper. I am using it for a book of mediation and inspiring quotes just to help keep my mood up in general. It is so awful when my mood gets out of hand. I feel so lost... I can't even describe the level of desperate loneliness I feel and how all I can think of is ending it all. My heart always goes crazy when I get upset too... I get panic attacks and worsened pain. I wish I was a psychopath so I didn't have to worry about dealing with pesky emotions. It would make being selfish a hell of a lot easier.

So instead of nasty greasy fast food (which I am unbelievably happy to be disgusted by again!) or fatty chips... chocolates... or any other evil temptation available in this fast paced instant meal society that I live in I am baking a potato. I like it plain with just salt. Gives me all the satisfaction I expect from bad foods without being that bad. Plus it makes me wait an hour for it so I can get nice and empty. I love how food tastes when my stomach is so so empty. That first bite is heaven and no other bite after can compare. It makes it easier to stop eating and pitch the rest because it just isn't as good unless my stomach is hollow and I am sleepy and weak. I like it better that way. I hate eating when I am full. I get so repulsed when I think about how I used to eat. How I used to go out to a fast food joint and order two meals for myself to eat in a day and then go out and get a bag of chips, chocolates, pops, milk shakes, ice creams, pepperettes.... and just eat it all in one sitting. It's no wonder I got so fucking fat. I let depression take over me and I stopped caring about myself. I don't know if I ever will really learn to love myself but I can at least learn to hate myself the right way. No one likes a fattie. Skinny girls do better in life. Period. It's a fact. I'm sick of my fat ass just being one more thing I hate about myself. I can be proud of myself for turning down disgusting fatty sugary foods and saying no to it all instead. I can be proud of myself for accomplishing a life long dream.

Oh God. These last few days have been hell. For some reason I get this crazy idea every now and then that not taking my medicine is a good idea. Then I pay for it so so dearly. The pain came back so strong and I practically had a melt down. If it wasn't for Dove being around I might have cut myself. But I didn't. Which is good. I also didn't binge eat and gain any weight! However... ABC went to shit and I also lost nothing. Oh well. I'm going to have to just keep trucking.

I'm back on track today. Nice and empty right now and planning to stay that way. Last night I ate my first raw vegan dinner. It was amazing. I have re-fallen in love with zucchinis. Dove had made this cheese cake for her boyfriend... then dumped him and she dumped the cheese cake on me because she doesn't even like cheese cake. I unfortunately love the shit out of cheese cake. But I took a tiny tiny mouthful and told her the cheese wasn't sitting well for me. I have a very finicky stomach which comes in handy in these kinds of situations. It's still sitting in the fridge though. I think I will take it to Lion on Friday and pawn it off on him and his girl. I am very excited to see them and the baby!

I get paid this Friday so I'm going to be joining a yoga class down the street. They also do mediation there which I am pretty psyched about! I have been doing yoga for years but always at home. I'm pretty excited about having a teacher. They offer classes to be a yoga teacher there as well... which I would be very interested in looking into! I am getting sick of working around food all the time. I am constantly burning myself and the scars are getting out of hand. Thank God for the cover up power of tattoos... last night while preparing some baba ganoush I touched my new tattoo to the top of the oven by accident. Big nasty burn. I also accidentally dipped a finger into boiling hot water... twice. It is awful. I should look into scar removal surgeries.

My religion is to live and die without regret. 

Calories can not make you happy.

I totally fucked over work last night by not showing up or calling. Whatever. I still have a job. I don't know what came over me. I really hate these night shifts.... they are no good for my mood. I get depressed without sunlight. My doctor gave me 50,000IUs of vitamin D weekly because I apparently am severely lacking. I need a pay check though and the work is way to easy to just give up on. Plus it's only 4 shifts a week which is perfect for my crippled ass.

I just got back from the farmers market. When I got up from my major sleeping in session today I decided what I needed to do was get on a diet plan instead of just winging it with low calories. I have a tendency to fill up my calorie allowance with crap like carbs and sugar. I'm not even supposed to be eating that shit for health reasons. So I think I will try the ABC diet starting TODAY. So far I have eaten nothing but three pieces of gum (6cal) and a coke zero. I really hate the aspartame in it all but it's better than me eating sugar. How come I can't get diet pop with sucrose in it? Anyways, I told myself that when I went to the farmers market I would buy nothing but fruits and vegetables and I will try my darnest to eat as much raw vegan food as I can. I can't go all the way vegan. I can't even do all the way vegetarian. If I try to put that much restriction on my eating right now I know I will fail and I can't fail. I need to be allowed to eat a piece of fish so that I don't freak out from missing meats and just eat a giant pork chop instead. Ew. Pork is fucking gross.

So as I'm sure you already know the ABC diet (ana boot camp... I'm not a fan of the name) is a 50 day plan consisting of daily calorie restrictions and fasts. It's actually quite low on fast days so I think it would be a good place to start since I tend to fast for a couple days then binge. And I don't purge. It doesn't come easily to me and I find it really disgusting... plus I am kind of neurotic about my teeth and I fear what the stomach acid will does to them. So this should help me get used to fasting without feeling the need to eat a retardedly large amount of food afterward and destroying any progress I've made. And I've decided since the fast days are solo that I will not take the Cymbalta on fast days. I am ok without one day of those pills and I would rather not feel that awful feeling they give me when I take them on an empty stomach. Well thats all for now... I will keep my progress to the right -->

Half the spiritual life consists of remembering what we are up against and where we are going.

 Craving is only a feeling.

Oh my God. Dove made rum balls last night. And a mess out of my perfectly clean kitchen... and a mess out of my liquid diet. I can't really blame it all on her though. I broke it with zucchini. And chicken strips. And then a fucking coke. I'm too scared to even look at the scale right now. I of course also ate a rum ball that Dove made. She said she wants to make desserts all the time. She wants to get me fat!

I just bought a sub. Its just sitting there. I don't want to touch it. I want to feel that empty feeling in my stomach. I love the way that hunger feels... the way it aches. I love the way it feels to fool my stomach with water... pills... smokes... and most of all I love to see the numbers go down on the scale! It's such an empowering feeling. I know I can do this! I won't give up. There is a new girl at my work. She is incredibly skinny. Her elbows poke out and her arms are so thin. She doesn't look like she has an ounce of fat on her. I feel fucking obese around her. She is my new IRL thinspiration.

Look upon negativities that arise as opportunities to learn and to grow.

 Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal.

In my desperate attempt to get myself under 140lbs last night I ate nothing before work. But I did take my Cymbalta... which I am not supposed to take on an empty stomach. So there I am at work trudging merrily away when all of a sudden I feel dizzy and exhausted. I figured it was from not eating so I drank some coffee and kept going... but I only felt worse and worse. I don't know why I didn't assume right away it was the Cymbalta.... I have done this before. But I cracked and I ate half a ham sandwich.... ugh. With cheese on it. Needless to say I did not feel any better and I did not loose the weight. I still feel like shit right now. I managed to get the night off work in exchange for taking a Friday shift so I can "recover" because everyone at work thinks I must be coming down with something. I am hoping to do better with food today and just consume liquids... and some strawberries to help the Cymbalta down. I need to go buy some soy milk.... it should make for a good meal replacement when I need to take my meds on an empty stomach. I fucking hate how many pills I have to eat in a day, though one benefit is that between pills and gulps of water it usually fills me up enough to kill any hunger that might be looming.

I would love to write some more about how frustrated and at the same time satisfied I am with Cymbalta right now but I am entirely too exhausted to focus. I can't even sleep right now because I am shaking too much from it. I hate the shakes it gives me. I'm probably just going to wind up drinking tea and watching some episodes of Mad Men.

View all problems as challenges.

You will come to realize that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment you ever made.

So... I am up a couple of pounds. Yuck. Didn't eat anything at work yesterday... didn't even have time to anyways. I was an hour and a half late and just running around like a maniac trying to get my work done. When I got home I got a good 6 hours sleep and then cleaned the shit out of the apartment (except for my bedroom...). I did all the nastiest chores too... cleaned out the fridge (everything has started to go moldy... Dove is never home and I never eat.) Cleaned the toilet... the tub... the floors... the cat box... Ew. Ew. Ew. Not hungry at all. I just ate a couple of tums for the calcium and a coffee. Sucking on tums helps a lot.

I'm hoping by the time I wake up tomorrow I will be under 140lbs. Kind of my little goal to help push me through the night without eating. Thank God my job has soy milk and club soda. I don't know how I would manage without the two.

Happiness does not come from having much, but from being attached to little.

 Pain is only as real as you allow it to be.

Yikes. A friend dragged me out to an Indian restaurant. I tried not to go. I said I was full and that I just ate. I told her I didn't have money anyways and she insisted and she would pay for it. So we went and I just ordered an appetizer and I barley ate any of it... but I still ate too much. They insisted I try some of their food. I kept saying I was so full and pecked at it. I have to admit it was delicious though.

Feeling pretty fat right now though. I'm so bloated and full. Gross. I work tomorrow. It's so easy not to eat at work.

If you haven't wept deeply, you haven't begun to meditate. 

The difference between want and need is self-control

Wow last night got slightly out of hand. I did good with eating though! No worries there. Woke up today at 141lbs and I am happy and determined as ever.

I got a new tattoo yesterday and it looks amazing. Just the out-line is done for now and I am excited for it to be coloured! So after it was done a bunch of people from the tattoo shop decided to go out for drinks. We came back to my place to smoke some weed when one of my buddies busted out some coke. Fuck. I used to have a problem with coke. I ended up doing wayyyy to much last night and smoking cigarettes until I retched. I stayed up until 5am driving all over the place to look for places to party. It got crazy! I made out with this random guy who was totally hot but way too drunk. He has been texting me all day and now I'm regretting kissing him haha. He's a big metal head... in a band and everything. I don't really like metal heads. Silly me. Of course I kissed him while I was all coked up. Fuck. This is never happening again. And I am throwing my cigarettes out. I don't know why the fuck I smoke them. At least I have been good with my vitamins... eating about 20 pills a day. I am so neurotic with them.

So today I am going to take it super easy and just stay in and drink lots of tea and watch movies or something. I would kind of like to go out, but I don't want to over-do it. I work tomorrow night.

We must be diligent today.
To wait until tomorrow is too late.

 Don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.

Oh boy has it been a weird couple of days. I went 60 hours with no sleep... bad idea obviously. Between work and friends I just didn't have the time. I spent all day yesterday sleeping and it was glorious and I promised myself it won't ever happen again!

My diet is doing good... despite some bad things slipping through. My friends really wanted to go to this fair... and it's like tradition to get a massive funnel cake every time we go. I love those things and I managed to get a bunch of people to split it with me. I hate getting food at these things though. Everything is so jumbo sized and there isn't a fresh fruit or vegetable to be seen for days.

I weighed myself today and I am happily under 145lbs! This is awesome! It is so rewarding to see this working out for me. I have also lost 2 inches of my waist and hips, and 1 inch off my bust since I started measuring myself. My goal is becoming clearer and clearer every day.

Today I am going to get a new tattoo! I am excited...I find the pain of getting tattooed is a good replacement for the pain of cutting. Anything to keep me from cutting is good.

I wish I had more to say... I'm just glad this is working so far. It's been a long time coming.

Make an island of yourself,
make yourself your refuge;
there is no other refuge.

Starving is not pain, it's the cure.