10/30/2010
10/29/2010
I feel awful. I have all day. It's probably because of my period... and that would probably explain why my weight is up (I hope...)
So I woke up and got right to exercising. I bought these weights that you strap onto your ankles... 10lbs. They are amazing! I was sweating before I was even done my yoga routine! I want to get smaller 5lb ones for my wrists as well... I think it do a lot of good. But despite my attempt to have a good start to my day I still wound up curled up in bed sobbing quietly and pulling apart a disposable razor (brand new and clean of course) with the intention of slashing my ribs. I hate how emo that sounds. I hate how weak I am. My phone started to ring... and it was the most random person in the world who never calls me and certainly not in the middle of the day. I didn't answer.... but I also didn't cut. I took it as a sign I guess.
I talked to Junsei instead and he calmed me down. He is very non-judgmental... it's refreshing. I didn't tell him about the cutting or even the crying. I just said I was feeling stressed. I talk to him almost every day but I haven't seen him in weeks. I like him so much and the more comfortable I get when I talk to him the more afraid I feel. I don't know what he wants... if he wants anything. I just wish I could see him. I can't talk about these things with anyone unless it's face to face. I miss him so much... he just works almost constantly. Which is something I like... but I just hate unanswered questions more I guess.
At some point during my break down I swallowed some whipped cream and chocolate icing. And then I made a bee line for the bathroom and managed to gag up some of it. My throat hurts now... and my eyes are glazed. I hate purging. I hate getting so out of control that I binge like that. I envy people with fast metabolisms.
Ways to boost your metabolism:
So I woke up and got right to exercising. I bought these weights that you strap onto your ankles... 10lbs. They are amazing! I was sweating before I was even done my yoga routine! I want to get smaller 5lb ones for my wrists as well... I think it do a lot of good. But despite my attempt to have a good start to my day I still wound up curled up in bed sobbing quietly and pulling apart a disposable razor (brand new and clean of course) with the intention of slashing my ribs. I hate how emo that sounds. I hate how weak I am. My phone started to ring... and it was the most random person in the world who never calls me and certainly not in the middle of the day. I didn't answer.... but I also didn't cut. I took it as a sign I guess.
I talked to Junsei instead and he calmed me down. He is very non-judgmental... it's refreshing. I didn't tell him about the cutting or even the crying. I just said I was feeling stressed. I talk to him almost every day but I haven't seen him in weeks. I like him so much and the more comfortable I get when I talk to him the more afraid I feel. I don't know what he wants... if he wants anything. I just wish I could see him. I can't talk about these things with anyone unless it's face to face. I miss him so much... he just works almost constantly. Which is something I like... but I just hate unanswered questions more I guess.
At some point during my break down I swallowed some whipped cream and chocolate icing. And then I made a bee line for the bathroom and managed to gag up some of it. My throat hurts now... and my eyes are glazed. I hate purging. I hate getting so out of control that I binge like that. I envy people with fast metabolisms.
Ways to boost your metabolism:
- Cardio work-outs
- Don't eat sugar
- Get regular good sleep
- Drink lots of water
- Drink green tea
This is how I feel... but fatter.
Ice-olated.
Ice-olated.
Just want to say welcome to all my new followers ♥
10/27/2010
My dreams were filled with nightmares and stress last night. I hate nights like that but I did at least get a TON of sleep and I am feeling somewhat better today. So far I have skipped breakfast and just ate my apple. Lunch is soon... so I might throw my veg bacon on top of my potato. I was happy to see I am back at 135lbs on the scale and Dove told me she noticed how flat my stomach has been getting. My panties are starting to fit a little bit too loose so I guess it's time to buy new ones in a smaller size! ♥
10/26/2010
I know I am having a tough time today because I have barely slept and I have been working nonstop for about 25 hours. I feel like I am loosing my mind though. I have been having panic attacks all day. I almost broke down at work but I swallowed it along with some soup broth. I'm finding spicy vegetable broth a very comforting replacement for other awful foods I tend to reach for when upset. I got home and cried and cried. My heart pounded so hard. I wasn't even sure exactly what I was upset about... I guess I just get very overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes I just get upset by the fact I'm upset to start with. I wanted to cut so bad... I just kept thinking of where I could hide it. I talked myself out of it and turned on some music. I still want to see my blood. It must be time for a new tattoo...
Actually. It's time for sleep. And I will wake up and eat no more than 500 calories. Here's my meal plan for tomorrow... wish me luck:
Breakfast: 1 boiled egg and 2 strips of veggie-bacon (175cal)
Snack: granny smith apple (80cal)
Lunch: plain medium baked potato (160cal)
Snack: VGo (40cal)
Dinner: Spinach and Fruit Salad (70cal)
And every day I allow myself 1 coffee with soy milk as a "freebie".
Now to bed. For real. I really need it.
Actually. It's time for sleep. And I will wake up and eat no more than 500 calories. Here's my meal plan for tomorrow... wish me luck:
Breakfast: 1 boiled egg and 2 strips of veggie-bacon (175cal)
Snack: granny smith apple (80cal)
Lunch: plain medium baked potato (160cal)
Snack: VGo (40cal)
Dinner: Spinach and Fruit Salad (70cal)
And every day I allow myself 1 coffee with soy milk as a "freebie".
Now to bed. For real. I really need it.
Toothpick legs! ♥
10/25/2010
Woah. Crazy couple of weeks. I got the job and I am getting the money I want! (Though... maybe I should have asked for more! Haha!) I have been doing alright with keeping my calories low but it's mostly sugar so I haven't lost weight. I've been so stressed with everything that is going on it's been hard not to break down. I wanted to today. So I have made the decision to go vegetarian again! I have been slowly sliding back into it. Whenever I'm at the grocery store I just find I get more and more turned off by things like cheese, milk, and meats. I just want broth and vegetables. And fucking sugar.
However on a super bright note I have found two diet items I was going crazy trying to find before! Diet Crush (which has sucralose instead of aspartame) and astpartame-sugar-free-low-cal gum! I almost died. I feel a new sense of motivation. I have gained a bit of weight and I am very ashamed for it... so I sat down and created a strict diet plan that I must stick to! Instead of winging it with the idea of keeping it under 500cal a day and wasting it all on sugary garbage... I have made a very simple list of quick foods to eat that follow a daily cal allowance. I also have it so it varies... with one 600cal day and one 200cal day. I can't do fasts. Unfortunately. They would be so easy. Not eating is so easy until you eat something. Then the taste just sticks in my mouth begging for more. Disgusting. Food shouldn't be allowed to have taste. But I can't fast because of my medicine. If I eat on an empty stomach I feel incredibly nauseous and if I skip them... well. That's just a living Hell.
So. What's so stressful Roana? Other than completely losing control of your weight and letting your ass gain another couple pounds like it needs it... thank-you-very-much. I guess I don't know where to start. A friend of mine, Willow, who also has the same terrible illness I have, has recently become much more ill. Well it's not so recent... she is just getting worse and the doctors still don't know what it is. There was a lot of concern that it was cancer, but they are saying now it's most likely not. Though they are still unsure. I try not to worry so much. I know I don't like people worrying about me. I just want health for her. I know how it feels to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices... having blood taken and tests done every step of the way. X-rays... ultra-sounds... IVPs... prescription after failed prescription... misdiagnosis and no diagnosis. Bad doctors. Rude doctors. Every day can be so exhausting. I wish no one else would have to feel like this... or any worse than this.
Other stress... family. My step-dad made some half-assed attempt as being caring by telling me I needed to stop obsessing over death. Apparently because I read religious books that discuss the after life I have a problem. Yes I obsess over death... but that is just me. I do not envy the dead though. I don't want to die. Sometimes I want to... but I more or less would rather live and just sleep forever. Death has too many questions attached. It is interesting... but it will come for me eventually. But my step-dad would rather I was a perfectly healthy well educated and modestly dressed church going girl like his mother and sister were. This isn't me. I accept them. Why can't they accept me? Thinking about it is exhausting. There is so much more involved than I could possibly type up in a life time...
Also Dove. She quit her job and is at home constantly. I miss my alone time. I have some now. Luckily she is very ambitious and is looking for a job now. But she is super broke and I am going to have to pay her half of the rent. This is okay with me as she has been a major financial (and of course emotional) help in a very very hard point in my life without asking for anything. I want to help her... but it is a bit of a stress on my mind. I am working two jobs currently and I'm a bit worried about running myself into the ground.
So I guess that is my update for now. I have been learning new Yoga poses at home since I haven't had the finances to join a gym and take classes yet. It is nice. Every day I feel a little bit more like my old self. Now if I could just get this damn weight off and stop comforting myself with food.
NON FOOD THINGS TO TAKE COMFORT IN!
However on a super bright note I have found two diet items I was going crazy trying to find before! Diet Crush (which has sucralose instead of aspartame) and astpartame-sugar-free-low-cal gum! I almost died. I feel a new sense of motivation. I have gained a bit of weight and I am very ashamed for it... so I sat down and created a strict diet plan that I must stick to! Instead of winging it with the idea of keeping it under 500cal a day and wasting it all on sugary garbage... I have made a very simple list of quick foods to eat that follow a daily cal allowance. I also have it so it varies... with one 600cal day and one 200cal day. I can't do fasts. Unfortunately. They would be so easy. Not eating is so easy until you eat something. Then the taste just sticks in my mouth begging for more. Disgusting. Food shouldn't be allowed to have taste. But I can't fast because of my medicine. If I eat on an empty stomach I feel incredibly nauseous and if I skip them... well. That's just a living Hell.
So. What's so stressful Roana? Other than completely losing control of your weight and letting your ass gain another couple pounds like it needs it... thank-you-very-much. I guess I don't know where to start. A friend of mine, Willow, who also has the same terrible illness I have, has recently become much more ill. Well it's not so recent... she is just getting worse and the doctors still don't know what it is. There was a lot of concern that it was cancer, but they are saying now it's most likely not. Though they are still unsure. I try not to worry so much. I know I don't like people worrying about me. I just want health for her. I know how it feels to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices... having blood taken and tests done every step of the way. X-rays... ultra-sounds... IVPs... prescription after failed prescription... misdiagnosis and no diagnosis. Bad doctors. Rude doctors. Every day can be so exhausting. I wish no one else would have to feel like this... or any worse than this.
Other stress... family. My step-dad made some half-assed attempt as being caring by telling me I needed to stop obsessing over death. Apparently because I read religious books that discuss the after life I have a problem. Yes I obsess over death... but that is just me. I do not envy the dead though. I don't want to die. Sometimes I want to... but I more or less would rather live and just sleep forever. Death has too many questions attached. It is interesting... but it will come for me eventually. But my step-dad would rather I was a perfectly healthy well educated and modestly dressed church going girl like his mother and sister were. This isn't me. I accept them. Why can't they accept me? Thinking about it is exhausting. There is so much more involved than I could possibly type up in a life time...
Also Dove. She quit her job and is at home constantly. I miss my alone time. I have some now. Luckily she is very ambitious and is looking for a job now. But she is super broke and I am going to have to pay her half of the rent. This is okay with me as she has been a major financial (and of course emotional) help in a very very hard point in my life without asking for anything. I want to help her... but it is a bit of a stress on my mind. I am working two jobs currently and I'm a bit worried about running myself into the ground.
So I guess that is my update for now. I have been learning new Yoga poses at home since I haven't had the finances to join a gym and take classes yet. It is nice. Every day I feel a little bit more like my old self. Now if I could just get this damn weight off and stop comforting myself with food.
NON FOOD THINGS TO TAKE COMFORT IN!
- Reading
- Grooming (nails, hair, makeup, facial masks, feet, waxing, baths...)
- Taking photos (I have been taking tons lately! Junsei has inspired me so much...)
- Drawing
- Meditation and Yoga
- Petting kittens!
- Playing piano (or pretending I can!)
- Talk to friends (I should do this more. I don't open up enough I think.)
- Cleaning
- Writing
- Checking out new music
- Going for a walk or jog
My legs are so fat... they never look this delicate crossed.
10/16/2010
No tattoo last night. Dove was in a bad mood and we stayed in and ate pizza. Fucking pizza. I was so starved and I ate two slices. I tried to purge but I honestly spend so much time choking, hacking, coughing and gagging with no avail. Maybe I should look into purging tips... but I don't want to make a habit of it. I would rather not eat. Puking is gross.
I got a call from my step-dad and he wants to see me TODAY. RIGHT NOW. I hate him. I hate his whole family. They don't get me at all. Not in any way. Lion won't be there for support like he usually is either. This sucks. I ate another piece of pizza as soon as I found out and tried without any luck to purge again. GRRR
I am being very weak.
I got a call from my step-dad and he wants to see me TODAY. RIGHT NOW. I hate him. I hate his whole family. They don't get me at all. Not in any way. Lion won't be there for support like he usually is either. This sucks. I ate another piece of pizza as soon as I found out and tried without any luck to purge again. GRRR
I am being very weak.
10/15/2010
So hungry today. I kept getting tempted to stuff my face. I was out at the mall today and I kept smelling the food court. I almost gorged on Taco Bell and then I did not. Thank God for long line ups helping me make up my mind to not eat garbage. I did get a small fry from McDonalds but I ate far less than half of it and threw the rest out.
I have been very inspired by Junsei. He writes and draws and takes photos... all things I enjoy doing but I have been in such a rut with my creativity since I got sick. Just seeing his work has been such a push for me. I started writing again and it is coming to me so easily.
I have a job interview for another job on Monday. I hope it goes well and I'm really looking forward to getting off of overnights. It's really killing me. But I won't leave unless they will pay me more. No point otherwise.
I might be getting a new tattoo tonight. We will see how things go.
I have been very inspired by Junsei. He writes and draws and takes photos... all things I enjoy doing but I have been in such a rut with my creativity since I got sick. Just seeing his work has been such a push for me. I started writing again and it is coming to me so easily.
I have a job interview for another job on Monday. I hope it goes well and I'm really looking forward to getting off of overnights. It's really killing me. But I won't leave unless they will pay me more. No point otherwise.
I might be getting a new tattoo tonight. We will see how things go.
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