Did good. Didn't eat a single thing after the post I made yesterday.

I feel awful. I have all day. It's probably because of my period... and that would probably explain why my weight is up (I hope...)

So I woke up and got right to exercising. I bought these weights that you strap onto your ankles... 10lbs. They are amazing! I was sweating before I was even done my yoga routine! I want to get smaller 5lb ones for my wrists as well... I think it do a lot of good. But despite my attempt to have a good start to my day I still wound up curled up in bed sobbing quietly and pulling apart a disposable razor (brand new and clean of course) with the intention of slashing my ribs. I hate how emo that sounds. I hate how weak I am. My phone started to ring... and it was the most random person in the world who never calls me and certainly not in the middle of the day. I didn't answer.... but I also didn't cut. I took it as a sign I guess.

I talked to Junsei instead and he calmed me down. He is very non-judgmental... it's refreshing. I didn't tell him about the cutting or even the crying. I just said I was feeling stressed. I talk to him almost every day but I haven't seen him in weeks. I like him so much and the more comfortable I get when I talk to him the more afraid I feel. I don't know what he wants... if he wants anything. I just wish I could see him. I can't talk about these things with anyone unless it's face to face. I miss him so much... he just works almost constantly. Which is something I like... but I just hate unanswered questions more I guess.

At some point during my break down I swallowed some whipped cream and chocolate icing. And then I made a bee line for the bathroom and managed to gag up some of it. My throat hurts now... and my eyes are glazed. I hate purging. I hate getting so out of control that I binge like that. I envy people with fast metabolisms.

Ways to boost your metabolism:

• Cardio work-outs
• Don't eat sugar
• Get regular good sleep
• Drink lots of water
• Drink green tea

I am so worn out from crying. I hate getting emotional. It's so exhausting. Going to work tonight. Very nervous.

This is how I feel... but fatter.
Ice-olated.

Just want to say welcome to all my new followers ♥

My dreams were filled with nightmares and stress last night. I hate nights like that but I did at least get a TON of sleep and I am feeling somewhat better today. So far I have skipped breakfast and just ate my apple. Lunch is soon... so I might throw my veg bacon on top of my potato. I was happy to see I am back at 135lbs on the scale and Dove told me she noticed how flat my stomach has been getting. My panties are starting to fit a little bit too loose so I guess it's time to buy new ones in a smaller size! ♥

I know I am having a tough time today because I have barely slept and I have been working nonstop for about 25 hours. I feel like I am loosing my mind though. I have been having panic attacks all day. I almost broke down at work but I swallowed it along with some soup broth. I'm finding spicy vegetable broth a very comforting replacement for other awful foods I tend to reach for when upset. I got home and cried and cried. My heart pounded so hard. I wasn't even sure exactly what I was upset about... I guess I just get very overwhelmed by everything. Sometimes I just get upset by the fact I'm upset to start with. I wanted to cut so bad... I just kept thinking of where I could hide it. I talked myself out of it and turned on some music. I still want to see my blood. It must be time for a new tattoo...

Actually. It's time for sleep. And I will wake up and eat no more than 500 calories. Here's my meal plan for tomorrow... wish me luck:

Breakfast: 1 boiled egg and 2 strips of veggie-bacon (175cal)
Snack: granny smith apple (80cal)
Lunch: plain medium baked potato (160cal)
Snack: VGo (40cal)
Dinner: Spinach and Fruit Salad (70cal)

And every day I allow myself 1 coffee with soy milk as a "freebie".

Now to bed. For real. I really need it.

Toothpick legs! ♥

Woah. Crazy couple of weeks. I got the job and I am getting the money I want! (Though... maybe I should have asked for more! Haha!) I have been doing alright with keeping my calories low but it's mostly sugar so I haven't lost weight. I've been so stressed with everything that is going on it's been hard not to break down. I wanted to today. So I have made the decision to go vegetarian again! I have been slowly sliding back into it. Whenever I'm at the grocery store I just find I get more and more turned off by things like cheese, milk, and meats. I just want broth and vegetables. And fucking sugar.

However on a super bright note I have found two diet items I was going crazy trying to find before! Diet Crush (which has sucralose instead of aspartame) and astpartame-sugar-free-low-cal gum! I almost died. I feel a new sense of motivation. I have gained a bit of weight and I am very ashamed for it... so I sat down and created a strict diet plan that I must stick to! Instead of winging it with the idea of keeping it under 500cal a day and wasting it all on sugary garbage... I have made a very simple list of quick foods to eat that follow a daily cal allowance. I also have it so it varies... with one 600cal day and one 200cal day. I can't do fasts. Unfortunately. They would be so easy. Not eating is so easy until you eat something. Then the taste just sticks in my mouth begging for more. Disgusting. Food shouldn't be allowed to have taste. But I can't fast because of my medicine. If I eat on an empty stomach I feel incredibly nauseous and if I skip them... well. That's just a living Hell.

So. What's so stressful Roana? Other than completely losing control of your weight and letting your ass gain another couple pounds like it needs it... thank-you-very-much. I guess I don't know where to start. A friend of mine, Willow, who also has the same terrible illness I have, has recently become much more ill. Well it's not so recent... she is just getting worse and the doctors still don't know what it is. There was a lot of concern that it was cancer, but they are saying now it's most likely not. Though they are still unsure. I try not to worry so much. I know I don't like people worrying about me. I just want health for her. I know how it feels to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices... having blood taken and tests done every step of the way. X-rays... ultra-sounds... IVPs... prescription after failed prescription... misdiagnosis and no diagnosis. Bad doctors. Rude doctors. Every day can be so exhausting. I wish no one else would have to feel like this... or any worse than this.

Other stress... family. My step-dad made some half-assed attempt as being caring by telling me I needed to stop obsessing over death. Apparently because I read religious books that discuss the after life I have a problem. Yes I obsess over death... but that is just me. I do not envy the dead though. I don't want to die. Sometimes I want to... but I more or less would rather live and just sleep forever. Death has too many questions attached. It is interesting... but it will come for me eventually. But my step-dad would rather I was a perfectly healthy well educated and modestly dressed church going girl like his mother and sister were. This isn't me. I accept them. Why can't they accept me? Thinking about it is exhausting. There is so much more involved than I could possibly type up in a life time...

Also Dove. She quit her job and is at home constantly. I miss my alone time. I have some now. Luckily she is very ambitious and is looking for a job now. But she is super broke and I am going to have to pay her half of the rent. This is okay with me as she has been a major financial (and of course emotional) help in a very very hard point in my life without asking for anything. I want to help her... but it is a bit of a stress on my mind. I am working two jobs currently and I'm a bit worried about running myself into the ground.

So I guess that is my update for now. I have been learning new Yoga poses at home since I haven't had the finances to join a gym and take classes yet. It is nice. Every day I feel a little bit more like my old self. Now if I could just get this damn weight off and stop comforting myself with food.

NON FOOD THINGS TO TAKE COMFORT IN!

• Reading
• Grooming (nails, hair, makeup, facial masks, feet, waxing, baths...)
• Taking photos (I have been taking tons lately! Junsei has inspired me so much...)
• Drawing
• Meditation and Yoga
• Petting kittens!
• Playing piano (or pretending I can!)
• Talk to friends (I should do this more. I don't open up enough I think.)
• Cleaning
• Writing
• Checking out new music
• Going for a walk or jog

Hopefully writing this all out will help motivate me... though I have to say reading all the other blogs that I do helps the most! <3 <3

 

My legs are so fat... they never look this delicate crossed.

No tattoo last night. Dove was in a bad mood and we stayed in and ate pizza. Fucking pizza. I was so starved and I ate two slices. I tried to purge but I honestly spend so much time choking, hacking, coughing and gagging with no avail. Maybe I should look into purging tips... but I don't want to make a habit of it. I would rather not eat. Puking is gross.

I got a call from my step-dad and he wants to see me TODAY. RIGHT NOW. I hate him. I hate his whole family. They don't get me at all. Not in any way. Lion won't be there for support like he usually is either. This sucks. I ate another piece of pizza as soon as I found out and tried without any luck to purge again. GRRR

I am being very weak.

So hungry today. I kept getting tempted to stuff my face. I was out at the mall today and I kept smelling the food court. I almost gorged on Taco Bell and then I did not. Thank God for long line ups helping me make up my mind to not eat garbage. I did get a small fry from McDonalds but I ate far less than half of it and threw the rest out.

I have been very inspired by Junsei. He writes and draws and takes photos... all things I enjoy doing but I have been in such a rut with my creativity since I got sick. Just seeing his work has been such a push for me. I started writing again and it is coming to me so easily.

I have a job interview for another job on Monday. I hope it goes well and I'm really looking forward to getting off of overnights. It's really killing me. But I won't leave unless they will pay me more. No point otherwise.

I might be getting a new tattoo tonight. We will see how things go.

I am the way into the doleful city,
I am the way into eternal grief,
I am the way to a forsaken race.

...Before me nothing but eternal things
Were made, and I shall last eternally
Abandon every hope, all you who enter.

So much darkness has overwhelmed me recently. All I feel is hunger. I try to fend it off with broths and fruit. I haven't slept in days. My body is so sore. All I want is a moment of peace but all I can feel is panic. I have to stop working overnights. It's slowly killing me. I need my sleep. I want the panic to go away. I want peace of mind so much.

I am still under 140lbs. Not quite at 135lbs again. I need to be under 130lbs before Hallowe'en...

Junsei wants to do a photo shoot of me. I kept telling him I wasn't "model" material. I'm far too short and I tried not to cut myself up to much but I mentioned my ass was too big. He thinks it's perfect. I'm so scared I can't trust a word he says. I have been so hurt in the past by men and their fleeting lies. I haven't seen him in about a week. He talks to me online and texts me a lot though. I can't tell if he's friendly or really interested. I am having such a hard time trusting anything he says to me but when I'm in his arms I feel so calm. I want this to turn into something. I'm so scared at how hurt I would be if it fell through like all the rest. He isn't like all the rest to me though... there is something about him. I can't put words to it.

Also... I think Dove likes him. She hasn't mentioned it but she always gets a bit weird when we talk about him. This also scares me. I feel like I could just shatter into a million pieces at any second I am so on edge... I should sleep. But I can't. Didn't drink any coffee or diet Pepsi today to try and help. Still can't.

I'm sure I will tonight. At least a little.

I love her legs. Her ankles are so delicate...

Yuck. I have been pigging out the last couple of days and loosing track of calorie counting. Stupid Thanksgiving... I was doing so well until the leftovers happened.

Starting today I will update and get back on calorie counting. It helped me a lot before... I slipped up and gained about 5lbs... can't be sure exactly until I do my "morning" weigh in. I feel gross and fat. I have been reading blogs and seeing how good everyone has been doing with their fasts... I must be thinspired! I must continue on my road to skinny. It makes me happy every time I reach a new goal weight. I want to be under 130lbs before Hallowe'en. I want to be perfect by my birthday.

I have been exercising since I got home from work. Jumping jacks... skipping... push ups and sit ups and of course my true love; yoga. My stupid heart keeps palpitating once I get my heart rate up so I can't push too hard. I hate being sick. I wish I could run and run and run. I love to run. I hate my heart.

So yeah... feeling frustrated. But it's moments like this that push me toward success. I will be petite. My dream will come true.

I have been dreaming about cutting. I miss cutting. I wish they would disappear as soon as I was done. I love how it feels. I love the redness of the blood.  I love the adrenaline and how it calms me and takes me to another world. I love how it brings me back to reality when its all over and reminds me that I want to be alive. I hate people knowing about it. I hate people seeing it. I hate being called an emo... I hate people knowing I am depressed. I wish it wasn't a big deal. I wish I could just hate myself and be happy with it. What is so wrong about that?

... gorgeous.

It is getting easier and easier to not eat. I went for Thanksgiving with Lion yesterday and I finally saw the baby! She has gotten so big. I missed her. I gave her toys and I got to baby sit her while Lion went for groceries. Lion noticed the weight loss. He notices every time I gain or loose. He knows me too well. I ate normally in front of him and I told him I was cutting out carbs and fats and thats how I lost all the weight. I still need to be skinnier. I hate my fat legs... my fat arms... I can't see my ribs and it's driving me crazy. I am doing so well ... just not well enough.

I can't stop thinking about Junsei. The more I get to know him the more perfect he seems to me. I'm scared shitless. I haven't liked anyone this much ever. Trying to take it slow and easy. We sort of talked about it and realized we were both afraid of taking it too fast. He said he was scared of hurting me... which didn't make me feel much better about it. Normally if someone says something like that to me I'll back right off. But there is something about him. He just feels so familiar. I think I had a dream about him...

I am 135. It has been forever since I was 135. I was worried that after Dove's birthday I would binge because I allowed myself to eat cake and some snacks.... plus all the drinks that were passed around. But it was no problem at all getting back into the groove! The hunger just feels so right. Seeing myself shrink has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

I have gained a half inch on my bust but I lost 1 inch on my waist and .5 on my hips so it's OK for now. That's all today. Just had to share the loss :)

Amazing weekend! Finally!

Dropping back under 140lbs has been amazing. I am so driven to keep going. I went to the grocery store and picked up a bunch of foods that I could eat in 100 or less calorie intakes. The way I have been going is to eat about 5 100cal "meals" a day. Things like apples, V-Go (my new life saver!), melba toast and tofurky slices. I have started getting comments from my friends about how healthy I eat. I chew on my apple while they eat chips and I don't even care. I went to Dairy Queen to get a cake for Dove and I was so hungry but the smell of the grease made me sick and I wanted nothing. I drank a V-Go and it filled me up wonderfully. Only 40cals! Those things rock my world.

So on Friday I went to go see the M Boys who I haven't seen in months. They are such laid back guys... always so much fun to see. But since it has been so long since they saw me they noticed the weight loss right away. They kept saying I looked so sexy. I can't believe it. I feel so fat but it is nice to be noticed again. 45lbs to go... then I can be the skinny girl. Saturday, during the day, I went to the mall and I was browsing for another gift for Dove. While I was there this extremely cute guy working there was helping me out. He was so flirty... it made me feel so good. So determined to keep loosing. He gave me his FB info and has been messaging me. Then later on Saturday... during the party... well... I'm pretty sure I met Mr. Perfect. I'll call him Junsei.

People have told me he is the male version of myself. He was so polite... so interesting... and so SMART! Very important. He loved everything I loved. He draws and sings and makes movies and takes sexy photos. He has tattoos but still he is a gentleman! I can't stop thinking about him and I can't wait to see him again. We cuddled together and he told me he loved my hip bones. I want them skinnier and my stomach flatter. He called me petite. I love that word (obvi.) I'm hardly petite. I'm fat petite. I'm only petite because I am short. Feels good to hear though. Especially from him! The one thing that got me the most... he stopped and stared at my eyes. He told me they were beautiful. I think my eyes are boring... and Dove has these gorgeous bright blue eyes with dark rings on the outside. She gets complimented all the time on them and I said her eyes were prettier. He said he had no idea what colour her eyes were. He noticed me and not her. This never happens. I am crazy about this boy. I'm scared with how crazy I am about him. I'm scared I'll get hurt.