Ugh. I wish I could go around my apartment and just throw out all the junk food. I don't buy it... Dove does. But I end up caving and eating it. I am up a couple pounds on account of another slice of cheese cake and some Doritos. God damn Doritos.

After work today I got this awful craving for Taco Bell. I have no idea where it came from but I started walking toward it. Every step I took I thought about the food there. I thought about how I really don't want it. I walked inside and stared at the menu and contemplated every item. And I left. With nothing. I am so fucking happy I left. I thought I was doomed for sure... but I actually felt disgusted by everything! I kept craving a snack so I went to the corner store and browsed at my usual suspects. And left with nothing. Even through the struggles I feel more determined every day to keep going... to keep loosing. I'm still over 140lbs though, which is really upsetting for me, but I will not give in and get depressed about it. I will use my disappointment to drive me forward. I desperately need to buy new jeans and I will not allow myself to do that while I am this fat. It will be a waste of money because I will look like shit anyways and I will have to buy jeans I don't like because the selection for fat asses like me is not so good... not to mention nothing looks good on a fucking 40 inch ass. Ugh.

I think I am going to buy a sketch book on pay day and start up a thinspo sketch book. It's a way that I can combine my creative energy with this desire to be skinny. I will really be able to meditate on every detail of skinniness. I bought a note book a couple days ago from India. It is very pretty and has canvas pages with dried flowers in the paper. I am using it for a book of mediation and inspiring quotes just to help keep my mood up in general. It is so awful when my mood gets out of hand. I feel so lost... I can't even describe the level of desperate loneliness I feel and how all I can think of is ending it all. My heart always goes crazy when I get upset too... I get panic attacks and worsened pain. I wish I was a psychopath so I didn't have to worry about dealing with pesky emotions. It would make being selfish a hell of a lot easier.

So instead of nasty greasy fast food (which I am unbelievably happy to be disgusted by again!) or fatty chips... chocolates... or any other evil temptation available in this fast paced instant meal society that I live in I am baking a potato. I like it plain with just salt. Gives me all the satisfaction I expect from bad foods without being that bad. Plus it makes me wait an hour for it so I can get nice and empty. I love how food tastes when my stomach is so so empty. That first bite is heaven and no other bite after can compare. It makes it easier to stop eating and pitch the rest because it just isn't as good unless my stomach is hollow and I am sleepy and weak. I like it better that way. I hate eating when I am full. I get so repulsed when I think about how I used to eat. How I used to go out to a fast food joint and order two meals for myself to eat in a day and then go out and get a bag of chips, chocolates, pops, milk shakes, ice creams, pepperettes.... and just eat it all in one sitting. It's no wonder I got so fucking fat. I let depression take over me and I stopped caring about myself. I don't know if I ever will really learn to love myself but I can at least learn to hate myself the right way. No one likes a fattie. Skinny girls do better in life. Period. It's a fact. I'm sick of my fat ass just being one more thing I hate about myself. I can be proud of myself for turning down disgusting fatty sugary foods and saying no to it all instead. I can be proud of myself for accomplishing a life long dream.