I totally fucked over work last night by not showing up or calling. Whatever. I still have a job. I don't know what came over me. I really hate these night shifts.... they are no good for my mood. I get depressed without sunlight. My doctor gave me 50,000IUs of vitamin D weekly because I apparently am severely lacking. I need a pay check though and the work is way to easy to just give up on. Plus it's only 4 shifts a week which is perfect for my crippled ass.

I just got back from the farmers market. When I got up from my major sleeping in session today I decided what I needed to do was get on a diet plan instead of just winging it with low calories. I have a tendency to fill up my calorie allowance with crap like carbs and sugar. I'm not even supposed to be eating that shit for health reasons. So I think I will try the ABC diet starting TODAY. So far I have eaten nothing but three pieces of gum (6cal) and a coke zero. I really hate the aspartame in it all but it's better than me eating sugar. How come I can't get diet pop with sucrose in it? Anyways, I told myself that when I went to the farmers market I would buy nothing but fruits and vegetables and I will try my darnest to eat as much raw vegan food as I can. I can't go all the way vegan. I can't even do all the way vegetarian. If I try to put that much restriction on my eating right now I know I will fail and I can't fail. I need to be allowed to eat a piece of fish so that I don't freak out from missing meats and just eat a giant pork chop instead. Ew. Pork is fucking gross.

So as I'm sure you already know the ABC diet (ana boot camp... I'm not a fan of the name) is a 50 day plan consisting of daily calorie restrictions and fasts. It's actually quite low on fast days so I think it would be a good place to start since I tend to fast for a couple days then binge. And I don't purge. It doesn't come easily to me and I find it really disgusting... plus I am kind of neurotic about my teeth and I fear what the stomach acid will does to them. So this should help me get used to fasting without feeling the need to eat a retardedly large amount of food afterward and destroying any progress I've made. And I've decided since the fast days are solo that I will not take the Cymbalta on fast days. I am ok without one day of those pills and I would rather not feel that awful feeling they give me when I take them on an empty stomach. Well thats all for now... I will keep my progress to the right -->

Half the spiritual life consists of remembering what we are up against and where we are going.

 Craving is only a feeling.