I am doing this because I hear it helps with the process. I have no idea what to write at this point... there is nothing to say except that I am utterly unhappy. Within the last year I have ballooned up to almost 170lbs as I indulged my depression with bag after bag of chips, chocolate bar after chocolate bar, and not to mention dirty empty calorie beer after beer. I am disgusted at myself. There was a time when I wouldn't touch fast food with a forty mile pole and here I am finding myself craving the most revolting slabs of grease marinated beef patties mushed between two white flour buns and lathered in mayonnaise and sugary ketchup, and topped with an oily piece of yellow shit they call cheese. How the fuck did I let this happen. I went to go see a doctor last year about my numerous health problems. She told me to loose weight. She told me to loose one third of my weight. She told me if I didn't that I wouldn't find love. I cried at the time and I cursed that bitch out for months. But she is right. I need to loose weight.

I have lost control of so much. I have gained so many burdens. I feel like shit constantly about my life and when I look down and I see rolls that stick out further than my tits and I see my thighs fighting each other for breathing room I feel like dirt. I feel lower than dirt. I'm the maggots crawling in the rotting carcass of a dead rat in a sewage drain. I feel disgusted. I shouldn't be disgusted with myself like this. So with all the control I have lost over every thing else in my life... I feel this is one thing I can control. I can do this. I have already managed to loose 17lbs just by cutting back on the ridiculous binging I was doing. Today is the day that I start to take this way more seriously. I am sick of being the chubby ugly girl with a huge ass and thunder thighs. I am sick of crying in change rooms because my will power is so weak that I can't say no to a fucking poutine. I am sick of feeling defeated by myself and I want something I can accomplish on my own, be proud of, and be noticed for. I want to wear a short skirt without my ass cheeks sagging out the bottom. I want my arms to be thin so I can tattoo them up and not look like a biker butch. I want to wear shorts without my ass eating them up. I want boys to buy me drinks in bars and I want to be thrown around in bed like a rag doll. I want to see someone eat and feel grossed out and not envious. I want to feel dainty and petite. I want to be feminine. I want to be beautiful. I want to be admired. I want to be sexy. I want to see other skinny girls and not secretly hate that they are skinnier than me.

So today I worked a 9 hour shift and I ate nothing. I drank three coffees though the first one had cream in sugar in it... oops. So I put soy milk in the next two with no sugar. I don't know why I put sugar in coffee. I fucking hate sugar. It always makes me feel like shit, not to mention it's just carbs and cals. Then I had a club soda. I love club soda. Pop without sugar. Fantastic. Also... Fuck aspartame. I hate that shit. I need to figure out how I can obtain sugar-free and aspartame-free chewing gum. Does it even exist? I also need to get a new digital scale and a gym membership, I have been skipping at home but since I started a better vitamin routine my heart has gotten better so I think I'm in good enough shape to move my fat ass in public. I'm hungry as hell right now and there isn't a lot that is helping me ignore it except this journal right now. I suppose that is why it is supposed to work.

I'm going to make myself a cup of green tea and relax from work. I considered fasting for the next three days but I think it might be too much to do right away and I am worried I will end up binging. But I will fast today and just drink tea, coffees and water. I am going to have to plan out a good diet plan to work around my new midnight shift. My mind is thinking lunch right now. No. My stomach is. The bitch keeps grumbling. I will learn to love it. My stomach always feels like shit anyways. The kettle is boiling and I am off.

The greatest worth is self-mastery.

Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great