I have been working extra hard on my legs lately... and it is paying off. I can see the fat melting off and they are toning up nicely! Every morning I get up and do 100 jumping jacks and then my yoga routine, focusing on my legs legs legs. I hate how fat they are. My upper half is so much smaller than my lower half and I feel like a dwarf. I want to be pretty and thin up and down. So it is nice to see some progress.

I am super poor and so is Dove... so our fridge is next to empty! Yay! The rest of this month it should be pretty easy to starve myself. Dreading December. Dreading Christmas...

I threw out my last pack of cigarettes with three smokes still left in it. Then today I remembered why I smoke and bought another pack while I was starving. Something feels so right about filling my empty stomach with a diet Pepsi, a cigarette, and a piece of gum after it all to rid of the flavours. Yesterday I did good. I was strong and I kept my intake low!

Yesterday's Eats

1 Cup of coffee 50cal
Bowl of Oatmeal with 1tsp Maple Syrup 130cal
2 Granny Smith Apples 160cal
1 Fruit Bar 130cal
1/2 All Bran Cookie with 1tsp Peanut Butter 115cal

Total 585

A little higher than I would like... but considering my bad binging habits lately I'm happy to be under 600.

I don't even want to discuss what happened last night. I drank water and more water until around 7 and then I made myself some chicken soup broth with vegetables (70cal) to help tide me over for the evening. Then I ate a cracker with the soup. Bad idea. Carbs are a major binge inhibitor. I musn't eat carbs. As a result of that one dirty cracker I wound up stuffing my face with a piece of bread and peanut butter at the awful hour of 9:30. I swear I'm never going to loose weight... my moral is far too weak.

I declare Thursday to be Thinspo Thursday! I have been thinking about this for a while too. It all started with America's Next Top Model... which of course is on today. I have always loved that show obsessively. So I think I want to expand on this idea and push it out further than just watching skinny girls on my TV. So for all you who follow me I will make Thursdays on my blog a little more fun than usual! This should help keep me motivated and thinking skinny thoughts as well! Let's start with a recipe

Orange Baked Apple (70cal)

1 small apple, cored
1 tbsp Smucker's Orange Marmalade with Splenda
A pinch of ground cinnamon
A pinch of ground nutmeg

Place apple in a shallow un-greased baking pan; add a small amount of water to pan. Fill center of apple with marmalade; sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg. Bake, uncovered, at 350 degrees for 50-60 minutes until apple is tender. Great for a warm breakfast on a cold fall day! Remember to eat your fruit in the morning on an empty stomach! This will help with the detox process and help in weight loss.

Tips to Running the Right Way
 
1. Align your head and neck properly. Focus on the horizon, moving your head back and forth occasionally to keep your neck from getting stiff. Avoid staring at your feet or at the ground.

2. Keep your shoulders relaxed, level and low as you run. If you feel tension in your shoulders, or if you've been raising and tensing them, drop them and shake your arms out to relieve the tension.


3. Move your arms from front to back, not across your chest. Don't clench your hands. Occasionally relax your arms, which should be bent at the elbows.

4. Stand tall as you run, keeping your core engaged and maintaining good posture in your back. Avoid slouching or allowing yourself to weaken in the torso.

5. Strike the pavement between your heel and the middle of your foot first, rather than with your toes or heels. Roll forward onto your toes, and push off with effort. Keep your stride steady. Don't bounce as you run.

Fashion Thinspo: Caroline Trentini for Elle Brazil

If I eat anything, I'll eat everything, so I eat nothing.

So the fast went great yesterday... until 6pm when my friend Duckie came over and reminded me that I promised to make her dinner which I totally blanked out on. So I cooked up a shrimp pasta with white sauce... which was unfortunately delicious. I hate that I'm good at cooking. I hate that I love it. After that it went down hill. A ton of friends came over for movie night and Dove baked up her famous cookies and I got stoned and ate way more than I'd like to admit to. So... new rule. NO MORE WEED EVER FOR ME. It is my enemy.

I just finished filling my fridge with bottled water for the day and I just ate a hot dog (265cal) to help down my medicine. No more food for the rest of the day. I should be okay... I will try to get in some exercise in if I'm feeling better in a few hours. I've been off my meds for a couple of days and that means I'm weak and exhausted so my work outs have been falling to the way side.

My friend Puppy is going on an "extreme" weight loss diet and asked me for help to make recipes for her. I'm hoping I will be able to find some inspiration for my own diet. It's good to have someone to talk about dieting with too. I have so many friends that just blow it off with a laugh and state how they eat whatever they like and refuse to feel guilt for it. I remember feeling that way. That's how I ended up with a 40 inch ass. Anyways... I will post up the best recipes I come up with. ♥

My thinspo wall... almost done :)

 

So it occurs to me I haven't reported a loss in a very long time. I am feeling pretty miserable about that.  Time to up my game... stop fucking around making excuses because I am depressed. Today I fast. FAST FAST FAST.

I'm not entirely sure where my head has been these days. I feel like I have been having a mental melt down every day for the last week or so. I can't come back. I can't grab control. Art seems to be the only thing I'm interested in. Art and self-loathing. Oh Van Gogh, how I feel you.

My weight is ok. No loss. No gain. Was eating badly for a while but I made up with it with exercise. Dove was telling me I needed to stop pushing myself so hard. There was one day where I exercised the entire day ... shifting between cardio and yoga. I think I worried her. I have been trying to open up to her a lot more though these days... she thought I was mad at her because of how reclusive I had become. I just hate everything.

This post is very all over the place. My thoughts are too. I can't make any sense of things. Doesn't help that I am not on my medicine these days... but I should be able to get more today and that will help me sleep better. Last night was just one nightmare after another. I had a dream I starved myself to the bone (I wish...) and my veins were blue and huge and everyone was worried about me and telling me that I wasn't pretty and I just looked sick.

One major major problem on my mind lately has been my mother. I always have had a difficult relationship with her. She is not... very mothering. I guess. I love her, I think. But I know I hate her. We never fight. We get along well enough... but I hate her so much. Things she says and does... and all the things in our past that are so ugly and have warped me into the person I am. Specifically... something she told me last night. I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't stop hating her for saying it... for even thinking it. She told me that when I was five years old she had become so depressed with her marriage that she was contemplating murdering me and committing suicide. She apologized after ranting on about it and then I told her it was okay. What is wrong with me? I never yell at her. I never tell her things aren't ok. I want to just tell her how much I hate her and not feel guilty for it. My relationship with her is very complex...

Anyways. Trying to keep my head up. Trying to get down under 130lbs. Doing much better with the eats these last couple of days... I have also stopped smoking weed which has been a huge help. When I'm depressed and smoke weed I don't care if I'm fat. I want to get fat. I hate it. It's disgusting how much I can eat when I'm stoned... especially sugar. I don't even crave sugar sober. Fuck.

I'm out. Good luck all you girlies on your mission to skinny!

Did good. Didn't eat a single thing after the post I made yesterday.