I'm not entirely sure where my head has been these days. I feel like I have been having a mental melt down every day for the last week or so. I can't come back. I can't grab control. Art seems to be the only thing I'm interested in. Art and self-loathing. Oh Van Gogh, how I feel you.

My weight is ok. No loss. No gain. Was eating badly for a while but I made up with it with exercise. Dove was telling me I needed to stop pushing myself so hard. There was one day where I exercised the entire day ... shifting between cardio and yoga. I think I worried her. I have been trying to open up to her a lot more though these days... she thought I was mad at her because of how reclusive I had become. I just hate everything.

This post is very all over the place. My thoughts are too. I can't make any sense of things. Doesn't help that I am not on my medicine these days... but I should be able to get more today and that will help me sleep better. Last night was just one nightmare after another. I had a dream I starved myself to the bone (I wish...) and my veins were blue and huge and everyone was worried about me and telling me that I wasn't pretty and I just looked sick.

One major major problem on my mind lately has been my mother. I always have had a difficult relationship with her. She is not... very mothering. I guess. I love her, I think. But I know I hate her. We never fight. We get along well enough... but I hate her so much. Things she says and does... and all the things in our past that are so ugly and have warped me into the person I am. Specifically... something she told me last night. I couldn't get it out of my head. I couldn't stop hating her for saying it... for even thinking it. She told me that when I was five years old she had become so depressed with her marriage that she was contemplating murdering me and committing suicide. She apologized after ranting on about it and then I told her it was okay. What is wrong with me? I never yell at her. I never tell her things aren't ok. I want to just tell her how much I hate her and not feel guilty for it. My relationship with her is very complex...

Anyways. Trying to keep my head up. Trying to get down under 130lbs. Doing much better with the eats these last couple of days... I have also stopped smoking weed which has been a huge help. When I'm depressed and smoke weed I don't care if I'm fat. I want to get fat. I hate it. It's disgusting how much I can eat when I'm stoned... especially sugar. I don't even crave sugar sober. Fuck.

I'm out. Good luck all you girlies on your mission to skinny!