Woah. Crazy couple of weeks. I got the job and I am getting the money I want! (Though... maybe I should have asked for more! Haha!) I have been doing alright with keeping my calories low but it's mostly sugar so I haven't lost weight. I've been so stressed with everything that is going on it's been hard not to break down. I wanted to today. So I have made the decision to go vegetarian again! I have been slowly sliding back into it. Whenever I'm at the grocery store I just find I get more and more turned off by things like cheese, milk, and meats. I just want broth and vegetables. And fucking sugar.

However on a super bright note I have found two diet items I was going crazy trying to find before! Diet Crush (which has sucralose instead of aspartame) and astpartame-sugar-free-low-cal gum! I almost died. I feel a new sense of motivation. I have gained a bit of weight and I am very ashamed for it... so I sat down and created a strict diet plan that I must stick to! Instead of winging it with the idea of keeping it under 500cal a day and wasting it all on sugary garbage... I have made a very simple list of quick foods to eat that follow a daily cal allowance. I also have it so it varies... with one 600cal day and one 200cal day. I can't do fasts. Unfortunately. They would be so easy. Not eating is so easy until you eat something. Then the taste just sticks in my mouth begging for more. Disgusting. Food shouldn't be allowed to have taste. But I can't fast because of my medicine. If I eat on an empty stomach I feel incredibly nauseous and if I skip them... well. That's just a living Hell.

So. What's so stressful Roana? Other than completely losing control of your weight and letting your ass gain another couple pounds like it needs it... thank-you-very-much. I guess I don't know where to start. A friend of mine, Willow, who also has the same terrible illness I have, has recently become much more ill. Well it's not so recent... she is just getting worse and the doctors still don't know what it is. There was a lot of concern that it was cancer, but they are saying now it's most likely not. Though they are still unsure. I try not to worry so much. I know I don't like people worrying about me. I just want health for her. I know how it feels to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices... having blood taken and tests done every step of the way. X-rays... ultra-sounds... IVPs... prescription after failed prescription... misdiagnosis and no diagnosis. Bad doctors. Rude doctors. Every day can be so exhausting. I wish no one else would have to feel like this... or any worse than this.

Other stress... family. My step-dad made some half-assed attempt as being caring by telling me I needed to stop obsessing over death. Apparently because I read religious books that discuss the after life I have a problem. Yes I obsess over death... but that is just me. I do not envy the dead though. I don't want to die. Sometimes I want to... but I more or less would rather live and just sleep forever. Death has too many questions attached. It is interesting... but it will come for me eventually. But my step-dad would rather I was a perfectly healthy well educated and modestly dressed church going girl like his mother and sister were. This isn't me. I accept them. Why can't they accept me? Thinking about it is exhausting. There is so much more involved than I could possibly type up in a life time...

Also Dove. She quit her job and is at home constantly. I miss my alone time. I have some now. Luckily she is very ambitious and is looking for a job now. But she is super broke and I am going to have to pay her half of the rent. This is okay with me as she has been a major financial (and of course emotional) help in a very very hard point in my life without asking for anything. I want to help her... but it is a bit of a stress on my mind. I am working two jobs currently and I'm a bit worried about running myself into the ground.

So I guess that is my update for now. I have been learning new Yoga poses at home since I haven't had the finances to join a gym and take classes yet. It is nice. Every day I feel a little bit more like my old self. Now if I could just get this damn weight off and stop comforting myself with food.

NON FOOD THINGS TO TAKE COMFORT IN!

• Reading
• Grooming (nails, hair, makeup, facial masks, feet, waxing, baths...)
• Taking photos (I have been taking tons lately! Junsei has inspired me so much...)
• Drawing
• Meditation and Yoga
• Petting kittens!
• Playing piano (or pretending I can!)
• Talk to friends (I should do this more. I don't open up enough I think.)
• Cleaning
• Writing
• Checking out new music
• Going for a walk or jog

Hopefully writing this all out will help motivate me... though I have to say reading all the other blogs that I do helps the most! <3 <3

 

My legs are so fat... they never look this delicate crossed.