I am the way into the doleful city,
I am the way into eternal grief,
I am the way to a forsaken race.

...Before me nothing but eternal things
Were made, and I shall last eternally
Abandon every hope, all you who enter.

So much darkness has overwhelmed me recently. All I feel is hunger. I try to fend it off with broths and fruit. I haven't slept in days. My body is so sore. All I want is a moment of peace but all I can feel is panic. I have to stop working overnights. It's slowly killing me. I need my sleep. I want the panic to go away. I want peace of mind so much.

I am still under 140lbs. Not quite at 135lbs again. I need to be under 130lbs before Hallowe'en...

Junsei wants to do a photo shoot of me. I kept telling him I wasn't "model" material. I'm far too short and I tried not to cut myself up to much but I mentioned my ass was too big. He thinks it's perfect. I'm so scared I can't trust a word he says. I have been so hurt in the past by men and their fleeting lies. I haven't seen him in about a week. He talks to me online and texts me a lot though. I can't tell if he's friendly or really interested. I am having such a hard time trusting anything he says to me but when I'm in his arms I feel so calm. I want this to turn into something. I'm so scared at how hurt I would be if it fell through like all the rest. He isn't like all the rest to me though... there is something about him. I can't put words to it.

Also... I think Dove likes him. She hasn't mentioned it but she always gets a bit weird when we talk about him. This also scares me. I feel like I could just shatter into a million pieces at any second I am so on edge... I should sleep. But I can't. Didn't drink any coffee or diet Pepsi today to try and help. Still can't.

I'm sure I will tonight. At least a little.

I love her legs. Her ankles are so delicate...