I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore, staring up at the stars that aren’t there anymore

I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold
So like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently before
You happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground
All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time


Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn’t let me sign on
All my islands have sunk in the deep, and I can hardly relax or even oversleep
But I feel warm with your hand, in mine, when we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We’ll turn out all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow


So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?

Yea, All the time.
All the time.

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
*Only* time, only time
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time, all the time.

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When we’re apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
All the time

Oh, All the time

As long as you are awake,
Strive for this with a one-pointed mind;
Your life will bring heaven to earth.  

Starving is an example of excellent will power.

This is disgusting.

A 603-pound woman believed to be the heaviest in Thailand left her apartment for the first time in three years Thursday with the help of Bangkok city hall and a forklift.

Bangkok's media-savvy governor Sukhumbhand Paribatra summoned camera crews to document the event, which involved engineers, demolition crews, rescue workers, doctors and nurses.

"I've been living in this room and have not gone outside for three years," she said, whose weight is roughly the equivalent of a grand piano. "I can walk a little, just enough that I can go to bathroom. But I have to cling to my son the whole way."

Umnuayporn walked slowly to a trolley aided by her son. She was rolled down the corridor to a nearby empty apartment where workers had torn down an inner wall to allow her entry and demolished a section of the building's facade to take her outside.

This woman is a burden. How much money is she costing her government? Imagine what her sons life must be like to have to walk his own obese mother to the toilet and back! He probably has to feed her the buckets of food she must consume. I feel sick.

I teach one thing and one only:
that is, suffering and the end of suffering.

 I do eat: only what is needed for . I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

So... yesterday was difficult. I was invited over to a massive feast of simple carbs and fat fat fat. I offered to make a salad so I could have control over at least one thing in my meal but I was shot down. I took it quite personally... I really am an awesome cook. I managed to get away with not touching the mashed potatoes, bread or ribs without anyone saying a peep but by the end of the meal I had still gained 4 pounds. Dove had made a huge batch of brownies too and forced one into my mouth. I turned around and spit it out when she wasn't looking... it was fucking delicious though. She also, unfortunately, packed the fridge full of food for "us". Bacon, bread, sausages, cokes, cheese, juice boxes, craft dinner, breaded chicken. I swear this girl did not bring in a single vegetable. I hope she has fun chowing this stuff back on her own. I don't know how she manages to stay so slim on a diet like that. It's really unfair. Her mother is tall and slim like her too... she got good genes. What's not fair is my mother is tall and slim, and here I am short and fat like some genetic malfunction.

Anyways. Last nights shift was good. I DIDN'T EAT A THING! Just coffee and club sodas for 10 hours.
I am so proud of myself since I work in a bakery and I am tempted with carbs at every corner. They have stuff to make salads with there too... so I should be good for today if I need to eat. I popped on the scale when I awoke saw that I had lost those 4lbs gained from that awful dinner. I'm almost 145lbs. 50lbs to go until my goal. It feels so good to be under 150lbs again. I can't believe I ever let myself go so bad. Life can be shitty... but it's never so bad that you need to cry into a cheese cake and let your ass develop it's own gravitational pull. Speaking of cheese cake... Dove cooked one of those too. It's in the fridge chilling now. I guarantee she will push that into my mouth too. She knows sugar makes me feel like shit though so I am sure I will be able to work my way around it.

I've got another long shift tonight. I like these long hard shifts. I really get a work out just from working. The heat from the ovens keeps me sweating and drinking water, and the weight of all the baskets full of bagels is helping to burn calories. Since I work alone too I can get away with eating nothing and no one will say a word. I get my first pay Friday and I'm going to join a gym near by... so as soon as I get off work I can go for a work out and then go home. I have a feeling this will be a very rewarding schedule to get into.

The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.

Thin has a taste all its own.

I woke up this morning and hopped on the scale to see I have shed three pounds. Awesome. However... I did not fast yesterday. I tried and I made it 'till about 10 till I broke down. Unfortunately I ate a chocolate chip muffin. 230 calories of sugar and carbs. I need to go buy more vegetables that I can eat raw. I have been super broke this month and dealing with my room mates choice of food which is all carb central.

Anyway, I went out to the bars last night and I was ordered a rum and coke. They know I don't like to drink pop so I don't know why they got it. The rest of the night was all vodka tonics but I drank way too much. I'm not supposed to be drinking while I am on Cymbalta... it's apparently super bad for my liver. Yikes. When I get drunk though I just crave meat. It was awful. Everyone was eating hot dogs and they asked to buy me some. Even after they ate them they were talking about going out to a burger joint after the bars closed. Awful awful. There is no need to eat like that. I did not have the hot dog or burger though. I went home and I was unable to resist boiling up a couple of eggs. 37 calories and lots of protein and b12. I refuse to feel bad about that. I will however feel bad about hopping right into bed after I ate them. And I will feel bad for barely drinking any water as well. I will be sure to drink a lot today.

Also, I got my period today. Finally! I was really scared I might have been pregnant. It's just because I missed my birth control pills for a month and my body went hay wire. I fucking hate not being on my pill. My skin turns to the surface of Venus and my boobs shrink down to the size of raisins. Yuck yuck. So thank you nasty blood retching vagina for letting me go back on my pill next month. Hopefully I will not gain weight from it.

I am going to go to the mall today. I want to buy something new to wear but I hate shopping for clothes. Everything looks like shit on me. I have such a weird body shape... I just want to be skinny and not worry about how things fit... because everything will just fit. I will do this. My goal is not unreasonable. I won't be young forever and I want to be able to look back on photos of me and remember being pretty, skinny, and desirable. I don't want to remember all the food I ate.

The greatest precept is continual awareness.

An ordinary girl, an ordinary waist but ordinary's just not good enough today.

I am doing this because I hear it helps with the process. I have no idea what to write at this point... there is nothing to say except that I am utterly unhappy. Within the last year I have ballooned up to almost 170lbs as I indulged my depression with bag after bag of chips, chocolate bar after chocolate bar, and not to mention dirty empty calorie beer after beer. I am disgusted at myself. There was a time when I wouldn't touch fast food with a forty mile pole and here I am finding myself craving the most revolting slabs of grease marinated beef patties mushed between two white flour buns and lathered in mayonnaise and sugary ketchup, and topped with an oily piece of yellow shit they call cheese. How the fuck did I let this happen. I went to go see a doctor last year about my numerous health problems. She told me to loose weight. She told me to loose one third of my weight. She told me if I didn't that I wouldn't find love. I cried at the time and I cursed that bitch out for months. But she is right. I need to loose weight.

I have lost control of so much. I have gained so many burdens. I feel like shit constantly about my life and when I look down and I see rolls that stick out further than my tits and I see my thighs fighting each other for breathing room I feel like dirt. I feel lower than dirt. I'm the maggots crawling in the rotting carcass of a dead rat in a sewage drain. I feel disgusted. I shouldn't be disgusted with myself like this. So with all the control I have lost over every thing else in my life... I feel this is one thing I can control. I can do this. I have already managed to loose 17lbs just by cutting back on the ridiculous binging I was doing. Today is the day that I start to take this way more seriously. I am sick of being the chubby ugly girl with a huge ass and thunder thighs. I am sick of crying in change rooms because my will power is so weak that I can't say no to a fucking poutine. I am sick of feeling defeated by myself and I want something I can accomplish on my own, be proud of, and be noticed for. I want to wear a short skirt without my ass cheeks sagging out the bottom. I want my arms to be thin so I can tattoo them up and not look like a biker butch. I want to wear shorts without my ass eating them up. I want boys to buy me drinks in bars and I want to be thrown around in bed like a rag doll. I want to see someone eat and feel grossed out and not envious. I want to feel dainty and petite. I want to be feminine. I want to be beautiful. I want to be admired. I want to be sexy. I want to see other skinny girls and not secretly hate that they are skinnier than me.

So today I worked a 9 hour shift and I ate nothing. I drank three coffees though the first one had cream in sugar in it... oops. So I put soy milk in the next two with no sugar. I don't know why I put sugar in coffee. I fucking hate sugar. It always makes me feel like shit, not to mention it's just carbs and cals. Then I had a club soda. I love club soda. Pop without sugar. Fantastic. Also... Fuck aspartame. I hate that shit. I need to figure out how I can obtain sugar-free and aspartame-free chewing gum. Does it even exist? I also need to get a new digital scale and a gym membership, I have been skipping at home but since I started a better vitamin routine my heart has gotten better so I think I'm in good enough shape to move my fat ass in public. I'm hungry as hell right now and there isn't a lot that is helping me ignore it except this journal right now. I suppose that is why it is supposed to work.

I'm going to make myself a cup of green tea and relax from work. I considered fasting for the next three days but I think it might be too much to do right away and I am worried I will end up binging. But I will fast today and just drink tea, coffees and water. I am going to have to plan out a good diet plan to work around my new midnight shift. My mind is thinking lunch right now. No. My stomach is. The bitch keeps grumbling. I will learn to love it. My stomach always feels like shit anyways. The kettle is boiling and I am off.

The greatest worth is self-mastery.

Of course it's hard. If it was easy then everybody would do it. Its the hard that makes it great